Entering the World of Baby Wearing - Diary of a Second Time Mum

Until a few weeks ago, I had no idea what the term "baby wearing" meant. When a friend suggested I check it out after writing on here that Little Mister loved to be cuddled while he slept, the name conjured up all sorts of interesting images in my mind. Do you like go to the wardrobe in the morning and pick out which baby to put on for the day? Is it something conjured up by hippies? Sounds like it! (Note to self: research the origins when you have a spare moment or two!)

After discovering that baby wearing is the term given for carrying your baby/child in some form of carrier, be it structured or not, curiosity set in and I went in search online to find one. I had a carrier with Baby Number 1 and had used it a few times with Baby Number 2, but found it quite bulky and it just wasn't working for me. It was a structured one and quite a mean feat to get the baby in and out of. I absolutely couldn't get him out without waking him up!

I came across the Bubba Moe sling-type ones online and it caught my eye. I liked the look of it because it seemed to carry in the position that Little Mister loved to be held in. It was also a great price for my "babywearing" experiment. And after YouTubing the instructions, it looked pretty user friendly - something I could cope with when I am half asleep! After I won the bid, payment was made and I waited and waited and waited for it to be delivered. Three weeks later and it still hadn't arrived. So I got a refund and ordered another one.

Last week Bubba Moe sling number one finally turned up on my door step. Followed the next day by Bubba Moe sling number 2. The first couple of attempts to "wear" my baby were awkward to say the least. I am very grateful for online video tutorials on YouTube - talk about lifesaving! Anyhow, going with the theme of "if at first you don't succeed", I kept trying and found that Little Mister is now really loving it. He falls asleep in there within a few minutes of being held.

I am loving it because it frees my hands up to do other things while he's cat napping like a koala bear (is that even possible?). It's so easy to rock and jiggle him if he needs soothing or settling in this position. So I guess it's pretty safe to say that we've found ourselves a winner!

The Second Wife - Guest Post from Sonja Preston (The Parenting Cafe)

I want you to imagine for a moment… Your partner tells you that he is bringing home a new wife to live in the family home. He tells you how exciting it’s going to be, and how much he’s looking forward to her arrival. He says you’ll need to help this new wife, and to share your things – your clothes and your room with her, and that he wants you to love her too. He reminds you that you are still special, but that there will be another special one there too! How would you feel? Most of us would be in disbelief, enraged, and feeling like we weren’t loved enough, or that we weren’t special enough.
Yet, isn’t this what we often expect of child number one, when we announce that’s there’s a new baby joining the family? As adults we struggle with the whole concept of a 2^nd wife, yet we expect a 2/3/4 year old (with infinitely less mature social development) to understand, and ‘be nice’ to this new baby! It sounds unreasonable when expressed like that, doesn’t it? In some cases, the first few weeks may be a novelty for the first child, but then some reach a stage where they ask you to ‘send the baby back’!

So, what might a toddler or young child be feeling, when a new baby arrives:

• Lonely – you are busy with the baby, and the toddler is left ‘alone’ more frequently;
• Sad – that he doesn’t have your attention as much;
• Angry – that the baby takes so much of your time;
• Tired – if the baby cries a lot and disturbs his sleep;
• Unloved – he may interpret the time with baby as the baby is ‘better’ or more appealing than himself;
• Naughty – often parents expect a toddler to know that he has to be gentle with a baby, or to be quiet when baby is asleeep.

It’s quite normal for toddlers to find ways to get your attention away from the baby – they need to go to the potty when you are feeding the baby, or they play the noisy toys just as you are settling the baby down – the toddler is saying: ‘Notice me… I’m still here and I’m special too!’

So how can you help your toddler adjust?

• When the toddler comes to visit you (if you are in hospital), make the toddler the focus of attention – lots of kisses and cuddles, tell him how much you’ve missed him!
• Let the toddler ‘notice’ the new baby, rather than you make a fuss about the baby. The toddler may be more interested in you, than in the baby. Next to the baby, have a present from the baby, to the toddler – a book, a toy car, a puzzle.
• Ask relatives who visit you, to spend time with the toddler first, before focussing on the baby, and if appropriate, ask them to have a small gift for the toddler also – this reinforces that he is also special.
• Have both Mum and Dad spend time with the toddler each day, even a few minutes of playing time is beneficial. Apart from breastfeeding, Dad’s can do everything for the new baby, like Mums can – this then frees Mum up to spend some familiar play time with the toddler.
• While you are feeding the baby, read to your toddler, so he can snuggle in close too.

If he shows aggression towards the baby, use Emotion Coaching: ‘I know you are cranky because you want Mummy to play now, but that doesn’t mean you can push the baby.’ Stick to your boundaries, as that provide stability for them, even if they don’t like it at the time. The toddler may ‘regress’ a bit, in the belief that if he is babyish, that you will have more time for him too. They may want a bottle, or to talk ‘baby-talk’. Support them as they adjust to this big change in their life.

Children do eventually adjust – give them time, lots of cuddles, play-time with you, and lots of reminding of how much you love them, and how special they are.

– Image by Micah Sittig via Flickr

© Copyright 2014 - The Parenting Cafe

Sonja Preston has worked with over 500 families, assisting them with child development information, helping them manage the issues which can come up in parenting, strengthening their bonds with their children and all in a relaxed, fun environment. The information she shares is research based, so you know you are getting the best.

She has a strengths based approach, believing that parents are the best teachers for their children, and that her role is to support them with additional information, and lots of acknowledgement and praise for the great job which parents do. 

The Parenting Cafe offers free weekly articles, webinars and personal visits - focussed on child development information, tips for managing the issues which arise in parenting, and how to have fun and connection with your child. 

For more details see www.theparentingcafe.com.au

Sonja makes parenting easier and fun!

The Unwelcome Visitor - Diary of a Second Time Mum

Laying in bed last night after a hectic four or five days, I noticed a familiar tightness in my chest and then noticed my breathing was short, almost gasping. My body was tense and my muscles tight. It took me back to my "first time mother"days. As I lay there in this state, I realised that anxiety had begun to creep back into my life.

Over the past few days, I'd put a lot of pressure on myself to single-handedly  pull off a 5th Birthday Party for Little Miss Now 5 with all sorts of spanners thrown in my direction. Even though the party was a success, there were many obstacles that came up along the way. Starting with my partner having to work, my mum falling sick and not being able to make it on the day to help out, people turning up who hadn't rsvp'd (that really puts a well-planned pass the parcel into disarray!), siblings coming with their brothers/sisters that I hadn't been informed of (my inner control freak went into complete freak-out mode for a bit there!)

Reflecting now, I realise that I had set myself a huge task. I wanted this birthday to be a special one for Little Miss 5, except it nearly came at the cost of my sanity. With all the random acts of the universe being thrown into the mix, I felt challenged and yet took pride in overcoming these challenges as they arose. The whole experience though was tinged with a fear that had been quiet within for a long time. It's visit on Sunday was unexpected.

This re-birthed my fear of "not being good enough". I felt I was on show, that my mothering and organisational skills were being judged, that my cake decorating skills needed to reflect something out of a Dona Hay magazine. It was all about me. For awhile there I lost sight of why I was doing what I was doing...... it was all about my daughter, not all about me!

I learned a few valuable lessons going through this experience:

•  I am great at offering help to others. I am NOT great at asking for help or accepting offers of help. (Note to self - learn how to do more of this).
• I am prone to setting my expectations of myself too high 
• Practicing mindfulness and meditation is beneficial to my mental health and wellbeing (more on that in my next post!) 

The good news is that I survived. The great news is that I was able to recognise this pattern in my behaviour (allbeit after the event), I am now able to let go of that feeling of anxiousness and pull out the relaxation music and candles. The best news is that I will never again set myself an almost unachievable task without first seeking the help of others!!

Until next time,

Love

Shanelle

Picasso has Moved In - Diary of a Second Time Mum

Date: Sometime in the past few weeks (They're beginning to meld together now)

Dear Diary

It appears we have acquired ourselves a resident 4.9 year old Picasso. I thought we managed to skip this phase completely, but alas, Picasso made her move late into our house.

Recently we've found doodles and scribbles on her dolls, her table, the window sill (I may or may not have hit the roof about this being in our brand new house!) But the straw that broke the camels back and sent our household into disarray was the discovery of her drawing on the tv in the toyroom.

And probably what made all hell break loose was the fact that Dad discovered this latest piece of artwork. I came back into the house after hanging out some washing to find the tv unplugged on the dining room table and a sobbing child who wouldn't tell me what had happened.

After some careful coaxing, I managed to get out of her that she'd drawn on her tv and Dad had confiscated it. We then decided to put  a 2 week ban on tv watching of her shows on any of the household tv.

So far things are going well and she's hardly noticed the absence of Peppa Pig, Fairy Kingdom, Play School, or Sesame Street. And just quietly, my sanity is grateful for this break in ABC2. She's spending more time outside jumping on the trampoline, swinging on the swings and monkeying around on the monkey bars.

I am beginning to wonder if we could turn this into a permanent thing. I could really get used to it!

Until next we meet!

xxxx

My Letter to a New Mum - Guest Post by Michelle Lia from Mumma Bliss

You have just been on the biggest transformation of your life in your pregnancy, now you are a new mum – congratulations! It’s such an amazing journey. There will be times where you just want to cry, but the rewards outweigh the frustrations.  You will feel exhausted, emotional and you may even start to worry about returning to work. You may start feeling depressed or suffer from anxiety.  BUT there are so many rewards, the first smile, the first time they look at you. Ahhh I remember those first moments, like it was only yesterday, now my son is 6 years old.

The one thing I wish I did when I became a new mum was to enjoy every single moment. Being present in each and every moment is the biggest gift of all.  These moments, even though they sound frustrating and stressful, they are just moments in our life. Your baby will grow, and move onto the next stage and before you know it they are at big school and not wanting to cuddle their mummy in public.

Trust your intuition – don’t listen to friends or family who place judgements on the way you should be mothering. Listen to your heart and follow your intuition – it’s always right.

Don’t worry too much.  Remember everything will always work out.  You may start to worry that you are losing your identity of who you were before you became a mother. I know this all too well. I started lose myself as a new mum. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I knew I needed to do something to make a difference by helping mums and serving others – that’s why I created MummaBliss.

Take time out for yourself. Make sure you spend 10 minutes per day to yourself doing something that feels good for you. Self-care practices are important to make sure you nurture the nurturer. Check out Daily Self-care for all mums. By doing this, you will have more energy to be a loving mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend.  Don’t feel guilty for taking some time out to yourself – it’s important. Always put yourself first.  Be gentle on yourself. Practice a heart breathing and meditation on a daily basis:

Bring your awareness up to the centre of your chest – to your Heart – your chakra of self-development and unconditional love or also called Anahata. Gently breathe into your Heart, letting it soften and expand on your breath. Invite the colour green. Bathe your heart centre with nourishment, renewal, healing. Say the words “I am loved”. “I am love” “I allow myself to give and receive love freely”“I am nourished by the power of love”. Practice this everyday for 40 days and notice miracles flow into your life, especially more love and more love for yourself.

I recently created a Mummy Manifesto, which is everything I believe in to be a happy, present and mindful mum. Here’s some of the quotes from the Mummy Manifesto – pin it up on your fridge as a good reminder.  I would love to hear your thoughts on the Mummy Manifesto. I poured my heart and soul into this project. It is something that I am very passionate about and believe it is the secret to motherhood. 

Begin your day with gratitude and love

Set a daily intention

Trust your intuition

List 3 things to be grateful for before bed

Be patient

Connect with your body

Spend 10 mins per day on yourself

Michelle Lia is a maternity wellness coach, yoga teacher, motivational speaker and founder of MummaBliss. I help mums let go of fear, anxiety and stress by living in the moment, connected and radiantly happy with yoga, mediation and self-care practices.  Visit www.mummabliss.com. You can also follow MummaBliss on Facebook www.facebook.com/mummablissoz.

Diary of a Second Time Mum - I May Be Wearing Granny Undies, But There Are Times When A Girl Still Needs Her Mum

Day and time is a mystery at the moment! This occurred some time in the past couple of weeks .....

Dear Diary

Tonight is one night of the week I've come to dread and I know I shouldn't but it is what it is. It's one of the nights I'm flying solo as mother of 2. My back up plan is working the night shift, which means all responsibility lies with me!

The afternoon goes well but once 6pm rolls around it's a whole different kettle of rotting fish. The planets seem to collide, erupt and explode simultaneously without the fanfare one would expect from such a dramatic occurrence.

Tempers are short and frayed, tantrums are plentiful,  there's a screaming child involved (and it's not the baby!), instructions are given and ignored, things escalate and get out of hand faster than a dropped match in tinder dry grass. There's something about the witching hour where all reason goes out the window.

By this time of the day, I am tired from the almost constant feeding of Little Mister and I am looking forward to dinner, shower and bed. When I am on my own with the 2 cherubs, things don't go to this smooth plan!

Tonight I almost lost my shizz completely. It was dinner time and although I'd taken a quiche out earlier, it hadn't made it into the oven yet as we'd had visitors in the afternoon. So it's 6 o'clock, Little Mister has started his cluster feeding early tonight, Little Miss is hungry for her dinner and I tell her I will make it as soon as I can. I feed Little Mister one breast, put him down, quickly make a toasted chicken, cheese and BBQ sandwich for Little Miss to put some substance into her tummy and send her for a shower. I know the nutritionists would be tut-tutting at me, but hey, for tonight it gets the job done!

That's when the proverbial hit the fan. Several requests and attempts to get Little Miss into the shower whilst Little Mister is hanging off my other boob severely failed. My temper flared and soon my voice was raised. She's standing there with her hands on her hips telling me she could do what she wanted when she wanted.

This didn't fly with me at all. My inner Aries fired up more like a lion than a ram!

My ace card of calling Dad at work was thrown aside when she tried to snatch the phone out of my hand as I was dialling. This was the final straw! Shower and bed for you Little Miss!

Meanwhile on the inside I was having my own mini meltdown. The "bad mother" voice began to kick in, but I wasn't ready to give into it. I did what any girl in trouble does, I called my Mum.

Somehow having Mum on the other end of the phone while Little Miss stood in front of me and told me she wasn't going to bed yet allowed me some time to breathe. It got me out of the heat of the moment to realise that the war that was raging on in my house was not the be all and end all. There is life outside of this little pressurised bubble that had been growing by the minute ready to pop at any given second!

Eventually once she realised she no longer had my full attention, Little Miss conceded and went into her room to read.

And now, 2 hours later she's lying in bed singing "10 Green Bottles ever so sweetly while I'm here grateful that I didn't resort to swigging one of those green bottles.

Some days are diamonds and some days are stone.
Tomorrow is a new day and no matter how tough things get,
I'll never be on my own.

Let's hope our next meeting is under better pretenses!

Love to you

Shanelle

xxx

Diary of a Second Time Mum - "The Advantages of Having a Koala Bear Baby"

17th July - 23 days old

Dear Diary

So this is where I am hanging out today.... on my bed, with my little man snuggled in closely and laptop on hand to keep me entertained in between feeds and naps.

It seems Little Man loves being closely snuggled between the milk bar and doesn't like being too far away from them at all!!

This experience is a new one for me. You see, I didn't get the snuggly, cuddly moments with my daughter for several reasons:
a) she was in a brace to correct her hip, so she was more like cuddling a box than a baby
b) I suffered severely from "First Time Mum Syndrome" and was too scared to cuddle for too long in case I created a "clingy" baby or did something wrong (I'm so grateful I got the opportunity to be a mother again!)

I know now that cuddles do not create clingy babies and it's okay to make up the rules as you go along. It makes so much sense that my baby wants to be close to me, after all we went everywhere together for 9 months, just because we are now 2 separate entities, doesn't mean that that changes anything! My Koala Bear Baby has taught me the following in a short amount of time:

• There's nothing better in the world than snuggling with your precious new little person
• Appreciating the moment for what it is, knowing that this time will never come again
• This time is a wonderful opportunity for me to rest and catch up on sleep. Naps are a beautiful thing and the world looks so much better after a little snooze!
• Going with the flow and taking things as they come, rather than undertaking my day with control and military precision ticking off check boxes and to-do lists
• If things get done, great. If they don't - no big deal. Tomorrow is another day and another opportunity to have a crack then
• I'm not out to prove anything to anyone. There are no awards to be won. Perfect Mother does not exist and I have no desire whatsoever to chase that title in this lifetime ever again. I am perfect in all the right ways for the little people that need me and mean the world to me. No one else's opinion of that counts!

I will sign off for now as there are more precious cuddles waiting for me.

Until next we meet.

Love

Shanelle

Don't Forget Dad - Guest Post by Robyn De Beer (Mrs D Plus 3)

After my first child was born I was very unexpectedly struck down with Post Natal Depression.  I know ‘struck down’ sounds a bit dramatic, but that’s how I felt.  I went from a perfectly normal pregnancy where I was counting the minutes until I’d meet my little boy, to almost not being able to be in the same room as him when he cried.

I was so withdrawn and ashamed about how I was feeling that I did everything in my power to hide it.  I actually did a very good job of pretending to the outside world that I was ‘fine’ and life with a new baby was ‘fabulous’ even though it was anything but.

The problem was that I was unable to hide it from my husband.  Living in the same house together and sharing the same bed made it impossible.  He watched me slowly fall apart and listened to me sob myself to sleep night after night.  I was in such a massive state of denial, that in my mind I was hiding it all from him too.

I believed (at the time) that our baby didn’t love me he just loved his Dad.  Why was it that Dad could settle him and I couldn’t?  How come Dad went all doe eyed when he looked at him and I didn’t?  How did Dad get to bond with him so quickly and I couldn’t?  All these questions were running though my head every second of every day making me build up huge walls and barriers of resentment.  I was horrible to him and it wasn’t his fault at all.

Our relationship, which was once rock solid before this little human was born, was falling apart too and I couldn’t even see it.   The more he tried to help the further away I pushed him, until one day he decided to have a intervention and he called my mum.  I was so angry with him for doing it because I saw it as the ultimate betrayal of trust.  This was MY secret and not his to share.

Some time later and upon reflection I can now fully appreciate that by stepping in and doing something he not only saved me, but also saved us, and I will always be so grateful for that.

During the months I suffered from Post Natal Depression the focus was so much on me, the new mum, that very few people actually asked how my husband was doing.  Although he was over the moon by with the arrival of our precious boy, he also had to silently watch me suffer from the sidelines and that could not have been easy for him.

Having a new baby affects everyone differently.  Some people cope perfectly well and others struggle.  It is not always just the mums that struggle; it can also be the Dads and relationships too.

If you are reading this and think that you or your partner may be suffering from Post Natal Depression than please visit or call PANDA (http://www.panda.org.au/) on 1300 726306

Written by Robyn de Beer at www.mrsdplus3.com

"Real life tales of a stay at home mum with three kids. Honest and often humorous, I cover all the ordinary moments that can often be extraordinary if you look closely enough. My blog appeals to anyone who loves cooking with a thermomix, appreciates the odd 'hair-pulling' moments the school run or kids dinner time can bring, loves photography (especially the amateur kind), and sees the bright side of parenting. Life is different every day."

Diary of a Second Time Mum - And the Shenanigans Begin .....

10th July - 16 days old

Dear Diary

What can I say? Our day started out well with this .....

 Butter wouldn't melt in her mouth! She loves her baby brother so much she wants to constantly smother him in kisses and cuddles. This was our compromise ........

Things went a little south later on in the afternoon however. They were having cuddles in bed and I left them alone for literally 4 minutes while I went to make a cup of tea, talking to them both while I was in the kitchen. Big Sister did tell me that Little Brother had red paint on his forehead. (Red paint is blood in our house). I didn't think too much of it, thinking he'd scratched himself with a hooky fingernail..... I later discovered it was in fact RED PEN and Santa did it!

Naughty Santa!!

Red pen has now been confiscated and we've had a long chat about drawing on paper, not Little Brothers!

And so the shenanigans begin!

Until next we meet!!

Love

Shanelle

Diary of a Second Time Mum - Breaking All of My "First Time Mum" Rules

8th July - 2 weeks old

Dear Diary

Sitting here feeding (yet again!) contemplating the past two weeks with the new man in our lives, I realised how calm, relaxed and laidback I've been this time round. This reflection also got me thinking about the strict and stringent rules that I had set for myself as a first time mother and how completely ridiculous they were. Also how those rules had no bearing over how my daughter is today.

I can proudly say that 2 weeks in, I have already rebelled and broken the following rules:

• My child will not have a dummy (I requested one be brought to the hospital on the second day after the first night was spent sleepless with an unsettled baby. And wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't take it. But having it there as back up was reassuring in a way)
• My child will be breastfed, not formula fed (This one went out the window on our first night at home. He wouldn't settle and seemed to be hungry no matter how much I fed. So I cracked open the tin of formula I'd bought before he was born, mixed up a bottle, and wouldn't you know it ...... he wouldn't take it! Again it was reassuring to know that I had another option)
• My child will sleep in its own cot/bassinette (This rule was broken I think on the 3rd or 4th night home. Little Mister loves to be held and it's been awfully cold. There's something wonderful and cosy about snuggling close with your baby that I missed out on with my daughter, seeing as though she spent her first few months in the brace correcting her hips. I have been sleeping half sitting up to make sure he's safe. His favourite place in the world is snuggled into  my chest between my boobs like a little koala bear :)
• My child will wear cloth nappies (This time around I knew disposables are the way to go. During the newborn phase who really has time to wash pooey nappies! I do have a confession to make though ... during the crazy "get everything ready because baby is coming soon" stage, I did diligently wash all the cloth nappies and stack them neatly in the cupboard. A couple of days later I came to my senses and realised I was off in some fantasy world and immediately packed them all back into the garage. Maybe some day .....) 

It feels good to know that I can be flexible and adaptable adjusting to the circumstances as they arise, rather than being imprisoned by the notion of right and wrong. If I've learned anything, it's that there is  no right or wrong, there just is.

Some days you just need to do whatever you can to get through the day and if that means spending the day in your pj's on the couch giving your little one snuggles because that's what they need in that moment, well that's what's happening that day. The housework can wait. The dishes can wait. The outside world can wait. Because right now I am really enjoying getting to know this new little man we've been blessed with and I'm sure soon enough there'll be time to tend to life's other menial tasks!

Until next we meet.

Sending love

Shanelle

xxx

Diary of a Second Time Mum - 9 Things I've Been Reminded of About Having a Newborn

3rd July - 9 days old

Dear Diary

9 days into this gig and here is a list of things I'd forgotten about newborns but have been well and truly reminded of:

1. Feeling like a ninja preparing for an exclusive mission each time I get dressed with pads everywhere (breasts, knickers and in the top of my knickers to protect my wound). The guy in the Libra ad does have a point .....

2. How long a feed takes & how frequently a new one needs to eat and that their feeds are timed from when they began their feed not when it was finished, so your sleeping time is dramatically reduced!

3. Forgetting to go to the bathroom before settling in for a marathon feeding session and then having to cross your legs and think about something else for the duration of the feed!

4. The innate ability to do everything one-handed while feeding, nursing, settling, typing, making a cuppa, undoing and doing up of maternity bras ......

5. How quickly time seems to evaporate while you stare at them endlessly when you should be sleeping because your baby is.

6.  Breasts that produce milk at the most random of moments, most of all when you get out of a hot shower or hear your baby cry.

7. When getting 3 hours of continuous sleep feels like an entire night of slumber.

8. Having supersonic hearing and sixth sense that makes you jump up and check your baby whenever you hear an odd noise or checking anyway because you haven't heard any noises for a while. Our boy seems to be a grunter!

9. How much love you can have instantaneously for the new little human who has arrived and taken over your world by storm.

I'm sure I could add many more to this list. These are the ones that have stood out  for me so far and right now I am eating into precious sleeping and resting time. So if there are any important ones I've missed or overlooked, feel free to comment below.

Until next we meet!

Love

Shanelle

The Greatest Gift You Can Give Your Children - Guest Post by Alison Bengough (The Mindset Effect)

If your children are young you’ve probably got routines for everything. Sleeping, eating, pooping, cleaning, dressing, toilet training, bathing, comforting, soothing. As they get older add in soothing boo boos, being a taxi service, school volunteering, reasoning, disciplining, medical & dental care, socialisation, birthday parties, family time, formal education, sporting commitments … the list is endless.

The commitment you take on financially, socially, emotionally, physically and psychologically is positively astronomical! Day after day, week after week, year after year. And when you have multiple children you can multiply the load you carry. Add in children with special needs and the feelings of overwhelm can skyrocket!

If that’s not enough, you get bombarded multiple times a day by unsolicited opinions about how you “should” be doing things. From family, friends, acquaintances, school parents, sporting parents, teachers, doctors, other professionals … even the media.

Is it any wonder most parents feel like they’re heads will explode any minute!

But you keep going, putting one foot in front of the other, because you made a very strong commitment to those little people you gave birth to. You love them, no matter what, and you would go to the ends of the earth for them, even if it meant to go without ourself. Right? (I can hear the chorus of “yeses” from here!)

Most parents know that all learning experiences begin with babies exploring the world around them. They respond to energy; angry vibes, sad vibes, happy vibes. They learn by watching. As they grow, if we get angry, so do they. If we allow others to treat us disrespectfully, so do they. If we fail to care for ourselves, so do they.

For this reason, literally and figuratively, the greatest gift you can give your children, is a parent who takes care of him or herself.

When you prioritise your own self-care they learn,

·         That you are worth being taken care of,

·         That they are worth being taken care of. Simply from watching your example, they know that allowing others to treat them disrespectfully is hurtful, and they are much less likely to allow themselves to be taken advantage of,

·         The value of boundaries,

·         The value of waiting,

·         To stand up for themselves,

·         To listen to their heartsong.

They also receive a much more peaceful, loving and happy environment to live in. Simply because you will be much more peaceful, loving and happy to be around. And since they pick up and reflect your vibes, they in turn will be much more peaceful, loving and happy. It really is a win-win for everyone.

The core message here is this: Self-care is not selfish. It is essential!

Now that you have the message, you may be wondering how you start the process of taking care of you, especially if you haven’t done it in years. The greatest tip I can give you is to start small, take it slow and build it up gradually. If you haven’t done it in so long that you forgot how, it will likely feel foreign to you for a while. And if your kids aren’t used to seeing you do it, you might get some objections to it (especially if it takes attention away from them). You need to be able to prepare yourself for those objections and plan how you can deal with some of the emotions that come up as a result (guilt being a big one). If you feel bad about taking time out for you, consider talking with a trusted friend or counsellor/psychologist to help you process some of those emotions.

To begin with, you might try some of these strategies:

1.       Schedule some time for yourself on a daily basis. If you’re not used to taking it, start with just 5 minutes of uninterrupted time and build up from there. If you start small it will be easier to fit into your schedule and it won’t feel so alien.

2.       As you build up the time, try exploring new things. Places, activities. Experiment with what you do and don’t like (only one way to find out!)

3.       Remind yourself regularly why you are doing this. By taking time out for you, you’re not depriving them of your attention. You are ultimately providing your kids with a better parent.

4.       Get in touch with your values. Values underpin everything we do, so getting clear on them will help support your position.

5.       Self-care doesn’t need to be expensive. It can be as simple as sitting in the park communing with nature or going for a 10 minute walk to clear your head.

6.       Schedule play dates with other mum’s in your area. By setting up a “club”, the kids get to work on their social skills and you get some time out. Rotate this routine so you each get a break. And remember, sometimes the self-care comes down to adult conversation. The kids can play while the adults work on their social skills!

7.       Remind yourself that you don’t have to do it all. The old adage, “it takes a village to raise a child” is true. Call on the support of the people around you. And if you feel isolated, try reaching out to local services. Some will have play groups or support groups where you can meet other parents and create friendships. This is especially important if you have kids with special needs. Carers organisations can be particularly helpful in this case. There is one in every state of Australia.

Ali Bengough is currently studying her Masters degree in Applied Psychology at the University of Queensland. She has been working as a counsellor for ten years and loves what she does. She is passionate about helping people find their purpose and overcome the barriers that hold them back from living their dreams. She blogs over at The Mindset Effect, where she writes about anything related to the way we think and feel. This is complimented by a Facebook page and Twitter account. She loves to hear from her readers and welcomes feedback on what they would value reading about. When she graduates, Ali plans to use her blog to launch her business, creating a comprehensive site offering a variety of individual sessions, group workshops, online programs and other resources. She is currently in the process of writing her first book; a small, easy to understand guide on how to stop taking on issues that belong to other people.

Diary of a Second Time Mum - Despite What the Scientists Say, Lightning Can Strike the Same Place Twice!!

Diary of a Second Time Mum is my way of staying connected with the outside world as I experience the motherhood journey for a second time in 5 years. I hope to share with you the highs, lows, fun and learnings along the way in a weekly post!

Dear Diary

We welcomed our gorgeous son into the world on Tuesday 24th June at 3.59am. Here's how it unfolded ....

Monday was spent taking it easy as I felt off-colour with an upset tummy. Early night in our house however sleep was evasive.

After experiencing some tightenings and a show just after midnight I called the hospital to see what I should do. They said to come up and get checked out. I called Mum at 1am in the morning to come and watch Miss Almost 5. Once she arrived we drove off slowly into the thick, heavy fog for what appeared to be the slowest trip to Rocky on record.

Arriving at the hospital just after 2am,  I was checked out and the Doctor said I was fully dilated  and the calmest fully dilated woman he'd seen in quite awhile. Being the middle of the night and no surgical team available he advised that I should try for a natural delivery. I freaked out a bit and he proceeded to do a scan to confirm the position of our baby.

He almost fell off his chair when he found our boy to be in the breech position. My partner and I looked at each other with relief, at least we'd found out now. Then I started asking questions..... what are the chances of having 2 undiagnosed breech births? According to some fancy numbers I've read online since there's a 1% chance for a first born being breech (higher chance for girls) and about a 7% chance of subsequent pregnancies also being breech.

Phone calls were quickly made and a surgical team called in. By 3am, we were in theatre. I managed to remain calm and relaxed, which had been the mantra of my hypnobirthing for c section audio that I had been dutifully listening to a couple of times a day.

Even though I was booked in for a c-section on Wednesday and this was unfolding before me in an unexpected way, I felt a sense of calm and being in control. Like this time around I knew what to expect and was glad that we would get to meet our guy a  little sooner; that this was the safest choice for us.

At 3.59am our little man appeared above the screen. There's nothing quite like that moment when they hold your baby up for your first look. He was taken away to be checked out and was soon laid on my chest for our first snuggles.

Back on the ward after being stitched up and spending some time in recovery, it was time to snuggle and cuddle more with the new man in my life. I fell in love instantaneously. I just can't put into words the feelings of love that came when I looked at his cute-as-a-button face.

Miss Almost 5 came for a visit with Granny & Poppy - keen to meet her new brother. After a few cuddles and kisses, she was eager to head back to kindy to tell the other kids all about him. She's been waiting so long for him to arrive.

After our visitors left for the day, the nurse came and got me out of bed for a shower. At first I was a little surprised to be up and about so soon, now I am very grateful.  I feel fantastic and my recovery this time round has been smooth sailing. Now I can advocate how important your mindset and beliefs are and how much they impact on our experiences in life.

I will sign off for now. It's my intention to post once a week in some form or another using this platform.

Until next week,

Take care, keep smiling and be grateful for all the blessings in your life right now.

Love

Shanelle