The Greatest Gift You Can Give Your Children - Guest Post by Alison Bengough (The Mindset Effect)

If your children are young you’ve probably got routines for everything. Sleeping, eating, pooping, cleaning, dressing, toilet training, bathing, comforting, soothing. As they get older add in soothing boo boos, being a taxi service, school volunteering, reasoning, disciplining, medical & dental care, socialisation, birthday parties, family time, formal education, sporting commitments … the list is endless.

The commitment you take on financially, socially, emotionally, physically and psychologically is positively astronomical! Day after day, week after week, year after year. And when you have multiple children you can multiply the load you carry. Add in children with special needs and the feelings of overwhelm can skyrocket!

If that’s not enough, you get bombarded multiple times a day by unsolicited opinions about how you “should” be doing things. From family, friends, acquaintances, school parents, sporting parents, teachers, doctors, other professionals … even the media.

Is it any wonder most parents feel like they’re heads will explode any minute!

But you keep going, putting one foot in front of the other, because you made a very strong commitment to those little people you gave birth to. You love them, no matter what, and you would go to the ends of the earth for them, even if it meant to go without ourself. Right? (I can hear the chorus of “yeses” from here!)

Most parents know that all learning experiences begin with babies exploring the world around them. They respond to energy; angry vibes, sad vibes, happy vibes. They learn by watching. As they grow, if we get angry, so do they. If we allow others to treat us disrespectfully, so do they. If we fail to care for ourselves, so do they.

For this reason, literally and figuratively, the greatest gift you can give your children, is a parent who takes care of him or herself.

When you prioritise your own self-care they learn,

·         That you are worth being taken care of,

·         That they are worth being taken care of. Simply from watching your example, they know that allowing others to treat them disrespectfully is hurtful, and they are much less likely to allow themselves to be taken advantage of,

·         The value of boundaries,

·         The value of waiting,

·         To stand up for themselves,

·         To listen to their heartsong.

They also receive a much more peaceful, loving and happy environment to live in. Simply because you will be much more peaceful, loving and happy to be around. And since they pick up and reflect your vibes, they in turn will be much more peaceful, loving and happy. It really is a win-win for everyone.

The core message here is this: Self-care is not selfish. It is essential!

Now that you have the message, you may be wondering how you start the process of taking care of you, especially if you haven’t done it in years. The greatest tip I can give you is to start small, take it slow and build it up gradually. If you haven’t done it in so long that you forgot how, it will likely feel foreign to you for a while. And if your kids aren’t used to seeing you do it, you might get some objections to it (especially if it takes attention away from them). You need to be able to prepare yourself for those objections and plan how you can deal with some of the emotions that come up as a result (guilt being a big one). If you feel bad about taking time out for you, consider talking with a trusted friend or counsellor/psychologist to help you process some of those emotions.

To begin with, you might try some of these strategies:

1.       Schedule some time for yourself on a daily basis. If you’re not used to taking it, start with just 5 minutes of uninterrupted time and build up from there. If you start small it will be easier to fit into your schedule and it won’t feel so alien.

2.       As you build up the time, try exploring new things. Places, activities. Experiment with what you do and don’t like (only one way to find out!)

3.       Remind yourself regularly why you are doing this. By taking time out for you, you’re not depriving them of your attention. You are ultimately providing your kids with a better parent.

4.       Get in touch with your values. Values underpin everything we do, so getting clear on them will help support your position.

5.       Self-care doesn’t need to be expensive. It can be as simple as sitting in the park communing with nature or going for a 10 minute walk to clear your head.

6.       Schedule play dates with other mum’s in your area. By setting up a “club”, the kids get to work on their social skills and you get some time out. Rotate this routine so you each get a break. And remember, sometimes the self-care comes down to adult conversation. The kids can play while the adults work on their social skills!

7.       Remind yourself that you don’t have to do it all. The old adage, “it takes a village to raise a child” is true. Call on the support of the people around you. And if you feel isolated, try reaching out to local services. Some will have play groups or support groups where you can meet other parents and create friendships. This is especially important if you have kids with special needs. Carers organisations can be particularly helpful in this case. There is one in every state of Australia.

Ali Bengough is currently studying her Masters degree in Applied Psychology at the University of Queensland. She has been working as a counsellor for ten years and loves what she does. She is passionate about helping people find their purpose and overcome the barriers that hold them back from living their dreams. She blogs over at The Mindset Effect, where she writes about anything related to the way we think and feel. This is complimented by a Facebook page and Twitter account. She loves to hear from her readers and welcomes feedback on what they would value reading about. When she graduates, Ali plans to use her blog to launch her business, creating a comprehensive site offering a variety of individual sessions, group workshops, online programs and other resources. She is currently in the process of writing her first book; a small, easy to understand guide on how to stop taking on issues that belong to other people.

Loving, Learning, Giving, Growing

 

Some quotes you hear once and they stick with you for the rest of your life. When I heard someone say “The purpose of life is to love, to learn, to give and to grow”, I thought they were God. Really? It’s that simple? You can clear away all the bullshit and bring it back to those 4 raw ingredients? It took some time to get my head around that. I now love this saying and am waiting for the day I can commission an artist to paint a mural with these words permanently embedded to display proudly on my wall as a reminder of what the essence of life is all about.

The all-familiar cliché of “life is a journey” is something that is bandied around constantly nowadays. It’s almost to the point of overuse. Yes, life is a journey. Yes, you are the driver of your own bus, or Porsche or bicycle or whatever metaphorical vehicle you wish to choose. However, you are more in control of what happens in your life than you have been led to believe.

The power to change exists within you. The power to be better exists within you. The power to romance exists within you. The power to love exists within you. The power for peace exists within you. The power of choice exists within you. Everything comes back to you. What you choose to believe and what you choose to make things mean. You and only you create your reality.

Love is so undervalued. We’re taught it’s something that comes to us from external sources, not from within. However, how can we give something to others if our cup is not full? Learning to love you for who you are, flaws and all is not egotistical, it’s soulful, it’s calming, it’s certainty and it’s truth. You are so unique in who you are and the story you have to share with this world, what’s not to love? How can you expect someone else to love you if can’t even love yourself.

The body we are given is merely our vehicle in life. Love it, cherish it or use it and abuse it. The choice is yours. You can choose to be healthy or not. You can choose to eat nourishing foods, or not. You can choose to think happy thoughts or not. Ultimately the responsibility for you and your wellbeing rests with you. On that note, happiness does not come in the form of a pill, a chocolate, a man, a woman, a handbag or a pair of shoes. They may feel good and look great, but it’s only temporary fix to what’s really going on inside of you.

Learning these lessons has been difficult. It has been challenging and there has been more than one occasion where I said, “screw this; I am going back to the old me”. And then that little voice starts going off in my head “You know you are better than this. You can do this. Pick yourself up and have another shot.” And so I do. I am not anywhere close to being done yet and I sincerely doubt if I will reach a point where I’ve got all my shit sorted.

Where I have come from and what I have learnt so far has given me some fantastic tools to use when I am faced with hardships, challenges or obstacles. And just because I am working things out doesn’t mean that bad things will stop happening in my life. Things are happening all the time. Why is it that we have this compulsive need to label everything in sight? Why is there judgement? Why is there segregation? And what’s it doing for us as a human race? Whatever happened to all men (and women) being created equal?

As for motherhood, it’s a learned thing; it’s not necessarily instinctual for us all. I am the proud mother of a now gorgeous, intelligent and inquisitive four year old who has a wisdom and zest for life well beyond her years. There are no signs of the struggles, rollercoasters and darkness we went through those first few years of her life. Now we spend time together, laugh together, watch Peppa Pig, argue like sisters (because we’re both pretty stubborn), make biscuits, paint each other’s nails, do crazy dances like no one is watching, have movie nights, have tea parties, go for bike rides and walks, read stories together, cuddle and tell each other “I love you” . These are the moments which I will cherish forever. 

The other night we were lying in her bed talking about things that scare us. Her comment to me was “But Mum, you’ve had a baby, you’re not scared of anything”.  There’s that wisdom again! I said to her, that having a baby was probably one of the scariest things I’ve ever done and writing about my experience of it comes a close second.

If I were to impart some wisdom from my journey and life’s learnings thus far; this is what they would be:

·       

• Everything starts, happens and ends with you. If you want something to be better, start by making yourself better first. The rest will fall into place.

• Become your own best friend. When you can do this, your relationship with others shifts to a whole new level. Becoming independent and loving you is a pretty powerful thing. I’d recommend you try it!

• You don’t always have to have all the answers or all the plans in place to move forward. Trust your instincts and trust yourself enough to make a decision. If it’s not the right one, you have the ability to change it.

• Become flexible. Look for alternatives. Give yourself options. At the end of the day, as long as you reach the outcome you’ve set for yourself, does it really matter which path you took?

• Surround yourself with people who really get you, who inspire you, lift you up, the ones who can be blatantly honest with you and challenge you to higher standards when they know you’re not giving your all, the ones who really have your back.

• Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, rather a sign of strength. It also shows that you have courage and are prepared to take action rather than wallow in self-pity.

• Oh and last but not least, find yourself a coach or similar, someone that resonates with you to help you work through your “issues”. To grow your thinking needs to be challenged, your boundaries need to be pushed and stretched to expand your circle of comfort.

After all, in this life if you’re not green and growing you’re ripe and rotting and I know where I’d rather be!