The Key to Love Lies Within You

I am sitting here on a rainy cold Sunday, knitting away (my current project is a mermaid tail blanket for my daughter) listening to Marianne Williamson's e-book "A Return to Love" while the rows are passing me by. Hearing her talk about love, reminded me that a few years ago, I wrote down some musings on my thoughts on love, which I will share with you in a moment.

The profound thing is, that the words I wrote those years ago are pretty much on par with what she is saying in her audio-book. Talk about a goosebump moment. We are wiser than we are lead to believe. We are wiser than we let ourselves believe. Trust that you know what is right for you.

Anyhow, here are the musings that I had:

"Love is what brings us here, what puts our feet on the earth.

Love is what connects us to our family, our friends, our lovers, our souls, our purpose, ourselves. Love unites us with ourselves and others.

Love nourishes and nurtures us, encourages us to grow, protects us as children.

Love breeds love.

Where is the lesson taught that love for who you are is the most important kind of love? Where are we shown to love ourselves, to give to ourselves, to cherish ourselves, to nourish, to nurture, to accept, to believe, to trust, to inspire within before we seek it from elsewhere?

Where are we shown that all that we have is a reflection of who we are?

Where is the school teaching us that emotions are fabulous and are capable of connecting us with ourselves and others? And that it’s okay to display these openly and honestly, no need for holding back or holding onto our truest feelings?

Where are we shown that love is beautiful, kind, passionate, forgiving, challenging, rewarding, tenacious, light, heavy, invigorating, mesmerising, defining, peaceful, easy, relaxed, exciting, vibrant, soulful, naked, imperfect, honest, raw, truth, desire?

How do we learn to love? How are we taught how to define love? We all have our own unique versions, definitions, rules, regulations and expectations when it comes to love. Why is it expected to come to us? Why do we seek it out, search for it, long for it, ache for it, compromise for it, lust after it? Why do we need love from outside to complete who we are? Why does it come easy for some and yet eludes others? Is it a matter of expectations and levels of satisfaction? Are they different in each of us? How do you know when you’ve arrived at love? What does it look like, feel like, sound like? Why are we taught love is difficult, challenging, worth fighting for?

Love is beautiful.
Love is raw.
Love is vulnerable.
Love is sweet.
Love is bitter.
Love is warm.
Love is connection.
Love is cuddly.
Love is intense.
 Love is tender.
Love is kind.
Love is mushy.
Love is luminescent.
Love is pure.
Love is simple.
Love is evolution.
Love is beautiful.
Love is inspirational.
 Love is projection.
Love is wondrous.
 Love is amazing.
Love is awesome.
 Love is plentiful.
 Love is limitless.
Love is flowing.
Love is vibrant.
Love is colourful.
 Love is within.

What if you are love? Who you are. What you do. What you bring into this world; the way you live your life, the way you embrace others, the way you face your fears, the way you conquer your own inner battles. What if love is you? What if you are love in the form of bliss, desire, passion, abundance, connection, vulnerability, rawness, devotion, wholeheartedness, acceptance, gratitude, peace, flow, vibrancy, tenderness, inspiration, enough, appreciation, wonder, fulfilment, expansion, evolution, imperfection, rawness, honesty, truth, beauty, emotions, free flowing, effervescence, flexibility?

 Life would be a series simpler, straightforward, uncomplicated, humming, peaceful, ebbing, flowing, rippling, streaming, gushing and rolling experiences, with one common denominator – love. If the world came from a place of love, rather than the lack mentality there is the moment, there would be enough for everyone, we would be happy with who we are and what we have, we would be peaceful, calm, relaxed, we would be grateful and appreciative, and we would be content. We would be enough."  

I am sure there are many more things to learn about love. My greatest learning so far is that first we must love ourselves in order to love others and to receive love. More to come on this topic!

The Second Wife - Guest Post from Sonja Preston (The Parenting Cafe)

I want you to imagine for a moment… Your partner tells you that he is bringing home a new wife to live in the family home. He tells you how exciting it’s going to be, and how much he’s looking forward to her arrival. He says you’ll need to help this new wife, and to share your things – your clothes and your room with her, and that he wants you to love her too. He reminds you that you are still special, but that there will be another special one there too! How would you feel? Most of us would be in disbelief, enraged, and feeling like we weren’t loved enough, or that we weren’t special enough.
Yet, isn’t this what we often expect of child number one, when we announce that’s there’s a new baby joining the family? As adults we struggle with the whole concept of a 2^nd wife, yet we expect a 2/3/4 year old (with infinitely less mature social development) to understand, and ‘be nice’ to this new baby! It sounds unreasonable when expressed like that, doesn’t it? In some cases, the first few weeks may be a novelty for the first child, but then some reach a stage where they ask you to ‘send the baby back’!

So, what might a toddler or young child be feeling, when a new baby arrives:

• Lonely – you are busy with the baby, and the toddler is left ‘alone’ more frequently;
• Sad – that he doesn’t have your attention as much;
• Angry – that the baby takes so much of your time;
• Tired – if the baby cries a lot and disturbs his sleep;
• Unloved – he may interpret the time with baby as the baby is ‘better’ or more appealing than himself;
• Naughty – often parents expect a toddler to know that he has to be gentle with a baby, or to be quiet when baby is asleeep.

It’s quite normal for toddlers to find ways to get your attention away from the baby – they need to go to the potty when you are feeding the baby, or they play the noisy toys just as you are settling the baby down – the toddler is saying: ‘Notice me… I’m still here and I’m special too!’

So how can you help your toddler adjust?

• When the toddler comes to visit you (if you are in hospital), make the toddler the focus of attention – lots of kisses and cuddles, tell him how much you’ve missed him!
• Let the toddler ‘notice’ the new baby, rather than you make a fuss about the baby. The toddler may be more interested in you, than in the baby. Next to the baby, have a present from the baby, to the toddler – a book, a toy car, a puzzle.
• Ask relatives who visit you, to spend time with the toddler first, before focussing on the baby, and if appropriate, ask them to have a small gift for the toddler also – this reinforces that he is also special.
• Have both Mum and Dad spend time with the toddler each day, even a few minutes of playing time is beneficial. Apart from breastfeeding, Dad’s can do everything for the new baby, like Mums can – this then frees Mum up to spend some familiar play time with the toddler.
• While you are feeding the baby, read to your toddler, so he can snuggle in close too.

If he shows aggression towards the baby, use Emotion Coaching: ‘I know you are cranky because you want Mummy to play now, but that doesn’t mean you can push the baby.’ Stick to your boundaries, as that provide stability for them, even if they don’t like it at the time. The toddler may ‘regress’ a bit, in the belief that if he is babyish, that you will have more time for him too. They may want a bottle, or to talk ‘baby-talk’. Support them as they adjust to this big change in their life.

Children do eventually adjust – give them time, lots of cuddles, play-time with you, and lots of reminding of how much you love them, and how special they are.

– Image by Micah Sittig via Flickr

© Copyright 2014 - The Parenting Cafe

Sonja Preston has worked with over 500 families, assisting them with child development information, helping them manage the issues which can come up in parenting, strengthening their bonds with their children and all in a relaxed, fun environment. The information she shares is research based, so you know you are getting the best.

She has a strengths based approach, believing that parents are the best teachers for their children, and that her role is to support them with additional information, and lots of acknowledgement and praise for the great job which parents do. 

The Parenting Cafe offers free weekly articles, webinars and personal visits - focussed on child development information, tips for managing the issues which arise in parenting, and how to have fun and connection with your child. 

For more details see www.theparentingcafe.com.au

Sonja makes parenting easier and fun!

Diary of a Second Time Mum - Despite What the Scientists Say, Lightning Can Strike the Same Place Twice!!

Diary of a Second Time Mum is my way of staying connected with the outside world as I experience the motherhood journey for a second time in 5 years. I hope to share with you the highs, lows, fun and learnings along the way in a weekly post!

Dear Diary

We welcomed our gorgeous son into the world on Tuesday 24th June at 3.59am. Here's how it unfolded ....

Monday was spent taking it easy as I felt off-colour with an upset tummy. Early night in our house however sleep was evasive.

After experiencing some tightenings and a show just after midnight I called the hospital to see what I should do. They said to come up and get checked out. I called Mum at 1am in the morning to come and watch Miss Almost 5. Once she arrived we drove off slowly into the thick, heavy fog for what appeared to be the slowest trip to Rocky on record.

Arriving at the hospital just after 2am,  I was checked out and the Doctor said I was fully dilated  and the calmest fully dilated woman he'd seen in quite awhile. Being the middle of the night and no surgical team available he advised that I should try for a natural delivery. I freaked out a bit and he proceeded to do a scan to confirm the position of our baby.

He almost fell off his chair when he found our boy to be in the breech position. My partner and I looked at each other with relief, at least we'd found out now. Then I started asking questions..... what are the chances of having 2 undiagnosed breech births? According to some fancy numbers I've read online since there's a 1% chance for a first born being breech (higher chance for girls) and about a 7% chance of subsequent pregnancies also being breech.

Phone calls were quickly made and a surgical team called in. By 3am, we were in theatre. I managed to remain calm and relaxed, which had been the mantra of my hypnobirthing for c section audio that I had been dutifully listening to a couple of times a day.

Even though I was booked in for a c-section on Wednesday and this was unfolding before me in an unexpected way, I felt a sense of calm and being in control. Like this time around I knew what to expect and was glad that we would get to meet our guy a  little sooner; that this was the safest choice for us.

At 3.59am our little man appeared above the screen. There's nothing quite like that moment when they hold your baby up for your first look. He was taken away to be checked out and was soon laid on my chest for our first snuggles.

Back on the ward after being stitched up and spending some time in recovery, it was time to snuggle and cuddle more with the new man in my life. I fell in love instantaneously. I just can't put into words the feelings of love that came when I looked at his cute-as-a-button face.

Miss Almost 5 came for a visit with Granny & Poppy - keen to meet her new brother. After a few cuddles and kisses, she was eager to head back to kindy to tell the other kids all about him. She's been waiting so long for him to arrive.

After our visitors left for the day, the nurse came and got me out of bed for a shower. At first I was a little surprised to be up and about so soon, now I am very grateful.  I feel fantastic and my recovery this time round has been smooth sailing. Now I can advocate how important your mindset and beliefs are and how much they impact on our experiences in life.

I will sign off for now. It's my intention to post once a week in some form or another using this platform.

Until next week,

Take care, keep smiling and be grateful for all the blessings in your life right now.

Love

Shanelle

A Note to My Fellow Mums

Dear Fellow Mums

This note comes from my heart and I ask that we all be kind to one and other. After all, we're playing on the same team here.

We're all on a journey of our own. Our experiences are similar, yet unique. Please respect the fact while doing the same job, we all have a different approach; we find one that works best for us, one that gets us through the day, that brings peace to our home, that gets us a night's sleep so we can wake up and do it all again tomorrow. Yes, this approach may be different to yours, and that's okay. Nobody said we have to be the same.

When a Fellow Mum asks for advice in a public forum, please respond with respect. Asking for help publicly takes a lot of courage and guts for some of us. To make someone else feel less of a mother because they do things differently to you is a crime. Be respectful in your response.

Yes we are entitled to our own opinions, however there's a way to voice them without being overbearing. Unless you can offer support and advice in a way that empowers your Fellow Mums, please be kind enough to keep it to yourself.

I'd like to encourage you to support and champion Fellow Mums. We're all doing it tough. We all have things that we are challenged by, that leave us wanting to tear our hair out, that scare the pants off us, that leave us in tears of frustration. And yes, we all have some things that seem to come more naturally than others. So if you see a Fellow Mum struggling, offer her your support. Come from the heart, come form a place of love, your Fellow Mum will be forever grateful.

Please remember that motherhood is a learned thing and each child is different. This gig is tough enough without us tearing each other down with careless words and judgement.

If you are on the receiving end of advice, please remember the above-mentioned points. Just because something works for one mum, so you give it a try and it doesn't work for you, it doesn't make you any less of a mother. It just means that that's not a suitable way for you and your child/children. Try something else. It has no reflection on you and your mothering capabilities. None at all.

Unfortunately this mothering gig doesn't come with a one-size fits all manual that will solve all our qualms and queries. We are each other's best source of information, support and connection. Please keep these channels as open and honest as you can.

It's my desire to create a space for my Fellow Mums to feel comfortable asking questions and seeking advice in a non-judgmental way, where they are supported and encouraged. To build a community where we are free to be ourselves, to show our vulnerabilities, rather than attempting to live up to someone else's standards and expectations. And yes, be warned, I may stand on my soap box until I bring this vision to the land of reality.

Until Next Time

Take it easy, take a breath, relax and remember - "we're all battling our own mothering demons".

Love

A Fellow Mum

Loving, Learning, Giving, Growing

 

Some quotes you hear once and they stick with you for the rest of your life. When I heard someone say “The purpose of life is to love, to learn, to give and to grow”, I thought they were God. Really? It’s that simple? You can clear away all the bullshit and bring it back to those 4 raw ingredients? It took some time to get my head around that. I now love this saying and am waiting for the day I can commission an artist to paint a mural with these words permanently embedded to display proudly on my wall as a reminder of what the essence of life is all about.

The all-familiar cliché of “life is a journey” is something that is bandied around constantly nowadays. It’s almost to the point of overuse. Yes, life is a journey. Yes, you are the driver of your own bus, or Porsche or bicycle or whatever metaphorical vehicle you wish to choose. However, you are more in control of what happens in your life than you have been led to believe.

The power to change exists within you. The power to be better exists within you. The power to romance exists within you. The power to love exists within you. The power for peace exists within you. The power of choice exists within you. Everything comes back to you. What you choose to believe and what you choose to make things mean. You and only you create your reality.

Love is so undervalued. We’re taught it’s something that comes to us from external sources, not from within. However, how can we give something to others if our cup is not full? Learning to love you for who you are, flaws and all is not egotistical, it’s soulful, it’s calming, it’s certainty and it’s truth. You are so unique in who you are and the story you have to share with this world, what’s not to love? How can you expect someone else to love you if can’t even love yourself.

The body we are given is merely our vehicle in life. Love it, cherish it or use it and abuse it. The choice is yours. You can choose to be healthy or not. You can choose to eat nourishing foods, or not. You can choose to think happy thoughts or not. Ultimately the responsibility for you and your wellbeing rests with you. On that note, happiness does not come in the form of a pill, a chocolate, a man, a woman, a handbag or a pair of shoes. They may feel good and look great, but it’s only temporary fix to what’s really going on inside of you.

Learning these lessons has been difficult. It has been challenging and there has been more than one occasion where I said, “screw this; I am going back to the old me”. And then that little voice starts going off in my head “You know you are better than this. You can do this. Pick yourself up and have another shot.” And so I do. I am not anywhere close to being done yet and I sincerely doubt if I will reach a point where I’ve got all my shit sorted.

Where I have come from and what I have learnt so far has given me some fantastic tools to use when I am faced with hardships, challenges or obstacles. And just because I am working things out doesn’t mean that bad things will stop happening in my life. Things are happening all the time. Why is it that we have this compulsive need to label everything in sight? Why is there judgement? Why is there segregation? And what’s it doing for us as a human race? Whatever happened to all men (and women) being created equal?

As for motherhood, it’s a learned thing; it’s not necessarily instinctual for us all. I am the proud mother of a now gorgeous, intelligent and inquisitive four year old who has a wisdom and zest for life well beyond her years. There are no signs of the struggles, rollercoasters and darkness we went through those first few years of her life. Now we spend time together, laugh together, watch Peppa Pig, argue like sisters (because we’re both pretty stubborn), make biscuits, paint each other’s nails, do crazy dances like no one is watching, have movie nights, have tea parties, go for bike rides and walks, read stories together, cuddle and tell each other “I love you” . These are the moments which I will cherish forever. 

The other night we were lying in her bed talking about things that scare us. Her comment to me was “But Mum, you’ve had a baby, you’re not scared of anything”.  There’s that wisdom again! I said to her, that having a baby was probably one of the scariest things I’ve ever done and writing about my experience of it comes a close second.

If I were to impart some wisdom from my journey and life’s learnings thus far; this is what they would be:

·       

• Everything starts, happens and ends with you. If you want something to be better, start by making yourself better first. The rest will fall into place.

• Become your own best friend. When you can do this, your relationship with others shifts to a whole new level. Becoming independent and loving you is a pretty powerful thing. I’d recommend you try it!

• You don’t always have to have all the answers or all the plans in place to move forward. Trust your instincts and trust yourself enough to make a decision. If it’s not the right one, you have the ability to change it.

• Become flexible. Look for alternatives. Give yourself options. At the end of the day, as long as you reach the outcome you’ve set for yourself, does it really matter which path you took?

• Surround yourself with people who really get you, who inspire you, lift you up, the ones who can be blatantly honest with you and challenge you to higher standards when they know you’re not giving your all, the ones who really have your back.

• Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, rather a sign of strength. It also shows that you have courage and are prepared to take action rather than wallow in self-pity.

• Oh and last but not least, find yourself a coach or similar, someone that resonates with you to help you work through your “issues”. To grow your thinking needs to be challenged, your boundaries need to be pushed and stretched to expand your circle of comfort.

After all, in this life if you’re not green and growing you’re ripe and rotting and I know where I’d rather be!

When did you last check in with your auto-pilot?

Take a moment to think about what happens when you see someone you haven't met before. What runs through your head? What thoughts do you have? Are they positive? Are they negative? What do labels do you use? I know it may be challenging because it all happens so quickly and quite often unconsciously.

What tends to happen when we see someone we don't know is that we start a process unconsciously to work out if they're like us or not. This usually starts by labelling. You know the ones "she's hot, she looks nice, she seems happy,"etc etc and the opposite ones "I would never wear that",  "I can't believe her skirt is that short", "Did she even look in the mirror before she left the house",  "She's stuck up". The list goes on. How do we make these decisions, judgements or labels I hear you ask?

This process literally happens in a nano-second. Our unconscious mind operates on auto pilot. It goes about making choices and decisions without us even being consciously aware. Ever been driving somewhere, arrived at your destination and then wondered how you even got there? You were more than likely operating on auto pilot.

So what happens when we see someone we don't know? Our brain goes into autopilot again. The unconscious mind is constantly searching for evidence of what we already know. So it's constantly filtering in the things that are "like"what we have experienced before. I'm not sure if you're aware or not, but every minute we have millions of bits of information coming at us from thoughts running through our minds, feeling a breeze, noticing a sound, listening to a conversation, hearing the rumble of our stomach, the list goes on. It is physically impossible for us to notice every single piece of information coming our way, so we use filters to filter in around 135 bits of information that our unconscious deems to be "relevant"in accordance to past experiences. These 135 bits are then filtered down into 5 - 7 chunks or pieces of information that we actually recall and are subsequently categorised in our brains. So there's a lot that's not taken in once you do the math. The rest of the information gets deleted, distorted or generalised based on what our brains are focussing on.

If you've ever hard the saying "what you focus on is what you get, to the exclusion of everything else", then you'll realise what's been going on upstairs for you. Change your focus, you change your results.

The point I wanted to make in writing this post was more about the unconscious process that is humming away before we've even met someone.  The fact that this whole process happens in a heartbeat and with our unconscious mind always deleting, distorting, generalising and then categorising, what hope do we have when meeting someone to meet them with a completely open mind? You can't really pause your brain and tell it to hold tight while you make your own decision! Well, you probably can if you make the choice to be open. To teach your brain to focus on appreciation, love, likeness, acceptance, gratitude, abundance rather than what's it's been used to for however many years.

We are creatures of habit and quite often the habits we've adopted we have no idea of how they came to be. Just envisage your life if you could steer your own ship and have even greater control over your thoughts. What world of endless possibilities would open up for you right now?