The Second Wife - Guest Post from Sonja Preston (The Parenting Cafe)

I want you to imagine for a moment… Your partner tells you that he is bringing home a new wife to live in the family home. He tells you how exciting it’s going to be, and how much he’s looking forward to her arrival. He says you’ll need to help this new wife, and to share your things – your clothes and your room with her, and that he wants you to love her too. He reminds you that you are still special, but that there will be another special one there too! How would you feel? Most of us would be in disbelief, enraged, and feeling like we weren’t loved enough, or that we weren’t special enough.
Yet, isn’t this what we often expect of child number one, when we announce that’s there’s a new baby joining the family? As adults we struggle with the whole concept of a 2^nd wife, yet we expect a 2/3/4 year old (with infinitely less mature social development) to understand, and ‘be nice’ to this new baby! It sounds unreasonable when expressed like that, doesn’t it? In some cases, the first few weeks may be a novelty for the first child, but then some reach a stage where they ask you to ‘send the baby back’!

So, what might a toddler or young child be feeling, when a new baby arrives:

• Lonely – you are busy with the baby, and the toddler is left ‘alone’ more frequently;
• Sad – that he doesn’t have your attention as much;
• Angry – that the baby takes so much of your time;
• Tired – if the baby cries a lot and disturbs his sleep;
• Unloved – he may interpret the time with baby as the baby is ‘better’ or more appealing than himself;
• Naughty – often parents expect a toddler to know that he has to be gentle with a baby, or to be quiet when baby is asleeep.

It’s quite normal for toddlers to find ways to get your attention away from the baby – they need to go to the potty when you are feeding the baby, or they play the noisy toys just as you are settling the baby down – the toddler is saying: ‘Notice me… I’m still here and I’m special too!’

So how can you help your toddler adjust?

• When the toddler comes to visit you (if you are in hospital), make the toddler the focus of attention – lots of kisses and cuddles, tell him how much you’ve missed him!
• Let the toddler ‘notice’ the new baby, rather than you make a fuss about the baby. The toddler may be more interested in you, than in the baby. Next to the baby, have a present from the baby, to the toddler – a book, a toy car, a puzzle.
• Ask relatives who visit you, to spend time with the toddler first, before focussing on the baby, and if appropriate, ask them to have a small gift for the toddler also – this reinforces that he is also special.
• Have both Mum and Dad spend time with the toddler each day, even a few minutes of playing time is beneficial. Apart from breastfeeding, Dad’s can do everything for the new baby, like Mums can – this then frees Mum up to spend some familiar play time with the toddler.
• While you are feeding the baby, read to your toddler, so he can snuggle in close too.

If he shows aggression towards the baby, use Emotion Coaching: ‘I know you are cranky because you want Mummy to play now, but that doesn’t mean you can push the baby.’ Stick to your boundaries, as that provide stability for them, even if they don’t like it at the time. The toddler may ‘regress’ a bit, in the belief that if he is babyish, that you will have more time for him too. They may want a bottle, or to talk ‘baby-talk’. Support them as they adjust to this big change in their life.

Children do eventually adjust – give them time, lots of cuddles, play-time with you, and lots of reminding of how much you love them, and how special they are.

– Image by Micah Sittig via Flickr

© Copyright 2014 - The Parenting Cafe

Sonja Preston has worked with over 500 families, assisting them with child development information, helping them manage the issues which can come up in parenting, strengthening their bonds with their children and all in a relaxed, fun environment. The information she shares is research based, so you know you are getting the best.

She has a strengths based approach, believing that parents are the best teachers for their children, and that her role is to support them with additional information, and lots of acknowledgement and praise for the great job which parents do. 

The Parenting Cafe offers free weekly articles, webinars and personal visits - focussed on child development information, tips for managing the issues which arise in parenting, and how to have fun and connection with your child. 

For more details see www.theparentingcafe.com.au

Sonja makes parenting easier and fun!

Preparing for the Impending Arrival of Our New Addition

The weeks have been steadily ticking over and all of a sudden, we've reached the 30 week mark. According to Miss 4, there are only 2 pages of the calendar left to go.

 I have no idea where that time has gone or how I got to being here!What I do know is that it's all systems go and my tummy has been steadily increasing in size and the intensity of movements felt grows by the day. If I didn't know any better I would think there's half a football team growing inside of me, but apparently there's only a sole player!

I feel pretty calm and relaxed about the journey this time. In some ways second time round is easier and yet more difficult. Having Miss 4 means I can't just crawl into bed when I feel like it, having eaten spaghetti on toast because that's all the strength I could muster in the gourmet meal department.

My back and hips have been giving me hell and for the last few weeks my ever-expanding belly has felt much larger than the first time. Yet this time I have a little girl who is excited beyond belief and ready to give a helping hand to her Mum organising baby brother things.


This time the rules have gone out the window. I am prepared and ready for any situation that may arise. Yes, I have purchased dummies, bottles, breast pump, formula, and all the other things that were on my old "not required because I will be the perfect Mum" list. We've been busy washing clothes and sorting out baby's room. I've had the best helper alongside of me and there have been times where I've been in trouble for doing things she's wanted to do.

The other week we'd taken the bassinet apart to wash all the bits and pieces and had miraculously managed to reassemble it to its former state. Upon putting it into the baby's room, I said to Miss 4 that this was for the baby and not a toy for her doll babies. I turned my back to do something and in the meantime she'd laid out a hat, a jacket and pants. When I asked her what she was doing she replied, "I'm just checking to see if he'll fit in here!".

She's so excited and cannot wait to meet her baby brother. I'm not sure how long that will last once he arrives and isn't going back into Mummy's tummy. She's constantly kissing my belly and talking to her brother, it's the sweetest thing. And yet part of me worries that that will all change. Of course things will change and will be different. As a family we have a whole lot of adjusting to do as we eagerly await the arrival of our newest member.

This time in my heart I know things will be different. I know that no matter what happens I have the strength and resilience to make it through. Even if I do fall in a heap, I know that's okay too. I know I don't have to put on a facade to show the world I am coping when I am not. I am forever grateful to have my daughter eager to lend a helping hand. She tells me I will be able to sleep and Dad will still be able to watch the football while she's taking care of the baby. I'm guessing I may need to master the art of sleeping with one eye open.

I feel we've been blessed as a family in so many ways. People often balk when they hear that there will be an almost 5-year gap between the two. What many don't realise is that just because you fell pregnant once, doesn't mean there are guarantees there will be future pregnancies or the difficulties experienced to conceive another. After the ectopic pregnancy, the odds definitely weren't in our favour.

No matter what happens from here on in, we'll make the most of what comes our way. We'll face the challenges as a family and share the laughs too, no doubt there will be plenty of both. Sending love to you and your family this week. Take a moment to appreciate what you have together. Perhaps it's time to introduce a new family ritual. Here are some of the things that have melded their way into our family:

* Family cuddles - a whole group hug with all of us, randomly
* Family day - usually on a Sunday where we spend some time together. It may be as simple as getting in the car and going for a drive
* Eating dinner at the table when we're all home together, usually we light a candle and talk about our big day

Remember - it's the littlest of things that create the greatest memories. xxx