A New Year's Revelation

Unless you've been hiding under a rock in the middle of nowhere with no access to the outside world, you would have realised that we've opened the front cover of another brand new year. For some reason this sends so many people into a tail spin of short-lived resolutions , a mindset that they need to change who they are and that the year that has just passed us was "bad" for so many reasons.

A lesson I've learned along my way is that 365 days is a long time to wait before you change anything. Change is possible at any given moment; at any time you choose. You do not have to make radical changes to get maximum benefit in your life. Small ones accompanied by daily deliberate action are enough to get you to where you want to be. Of course if you want to get there quickly, then more daily deliberate action is required.

With all the hype that comes along with the festive season and the impending New Year that follows, it often leaves me drained. I feel a societal push that I must set resolutions to be a better person. Really? Can't I just make a conscious choice throughout the year to make the changes and adjustments to my life as I see fit and where they're required? Well yes I can and I have and I do. But this is not the norm.

Goals are often set then we wait, wish and hope for them to magically appear before our very eyes. Just because you've set a goal doesn't give you any right to have it. You see, the thing with goals is that they are to be earned, achieved, strived for. They're not wishes to be granted.

Even more people set resolutions and then fail to put any action into place that will see them achieving what they desire. Is it any wonder that resolutions and goals don't work?

The other thing that irks me at this time of year is the underlying message that we're not quite enough. That the person we are right now is somehow inadequate.. That the achievements of the past 365 days didn't fill the quota of expectation.  That because we didn't tick off every single goal we set for ourselves, we are a failure.Just because your dream car isn't parked in your garage yet doesn't mean you weren't successful.

We focus so much on what didn't happen rather than what did. Most people don't know how to look at who they are at the end of the year compared with who they were when they started the year and to notice the growth, the challenges that presented some really great lessons and quite often unexpected gifts. Celebrate the small stuff.  Celebrate often. Look for the good - you'll find it.

My message for you is this:

 "You are enough. You have enough.

 You can change at any moment you choose, don't be guided by the calendar on this. 

Last year has been and gone - celebrate the good times, the lessons, the gifts, the laughs. 

Acknowledge the times you would rather forget.

Notice the lessons that were hidden in these experiences. 

Look up and ahead to the path that now lays before you. 

Each morning you open your eyes is a gift. Appreciate this.

 Do what you can in that day to squeeze the most out of it. 

Go to bed at night knowing that you have fully lived your life that day. 

Wake up tomorrow and repeat". 

The Second Wife - Guest Post from Sonja Preston (The Parenting Cafe)

I want you to imagine for a moment… Your partner tells you that he is bringing home a new wife to live in the family home. He tells you how exciting it’s going to be, and how much he’s looking forward to her arrival. He says you’ll need to help this new wife, and to share your things – your clothes and your room with her, and that he wants you to love her too. He reminds you that you are still special, but that there will be another special one there too! How would you feel? Most of us would be in disbelief, enraged, and feeling like we weren’t loved enough, or that we weren’t special enough.
Yet, isn’t this what we often expect of child number one, when we announce that’s there’s a new baby joining the family? As adults we struggle with the whole concept of a 2^nd wife, yet we expect a 2/3/4 year old (with infinitely less mature social development) to understand, and ‘be nice’ to this new baby! It sounds unreasonable when expressed like that, doesn’t it? In some cases, the first few weeks may be a novelty for the first child, but then some reach a stage where they ask you to ‘send the baby back’!

So, what might a toddler or young child be feeling, when a new baby arrives:

• Lonely – you are busy with the baby, and the toddler is left ‘alone’ more frequently;
• Sad – that he doesn’t have your attention as much;
• Angry – that the baby takes so much of your time;
• Tired – if the baby cries a lot and disturbs his sleep;
• Unloved – he may interpret the time with baby as the baby is ‘better’ or more appealing than himself;
• Naughty – often parents expect a toddler to know that he has to be gentle with a baby, or to be quiet when baby is asleeep.

It’s quite normal for toddlers to find ways to get your attention away from the baby – they need to go to the potty when you are feeding the baby, or they play the noisy toys just as you are settling the baby down – the toddler is saying: ‘Notice me… I’m still here and I’m special too!’

So how can you help your toddler adjust?

• When the toddler comes to visit you (if you are in hospital), make the toddler the focus of attention – lots of kisses and cuddles, tell him how much you’ve missed him!
• Let the toddler ‘notice’ the new baby, rather than you make a fuss about the baby. The toddler may be more interested in you, than in the baby. Next to the baby, have a present from the baby, to the toddler – a book, a toy car, a puzzle.
• Ask relatives who visit you, to spend time with the toddler first, before focussing on the baby, and if appropriate, ask them to have a small gift for the toddler also – this reinforces that he is also special.
• Have both Mum and Dad spend time with the toddler each day, even a few minutes of playing time is beneficial. Apart from breastfeeding, Dad’s can do everything for the new baby, like Mums can – this then frees Mum up to spend some familiar play time with the toddler.
• While you are feeding the baby, read to your toddler, so he can snuggle in close too.

If he shows aggression towards the baby, use Emotion Coaching: ‘I know you are cranky because you want Mummy to play now, but that doesn’t mean you can push the baby.’ Stick to your boundaries, as that provide stability for them, even if they don’t like it at the time. The toddler may ‘regress’ a bit, in the belief that if he is babyish, that you will have more time for him too. They may want a bottle, or to talk ‘baby-talk’. Support them as they adjust to this big change in their life.

Children do eventually adjust – give them time, lots of cuddles, play-time with you, and lots of reminding of how much you love them, and how special they are.

– Image by Micah Sittig via Flickr

© Copyright 2014 - The Parenting Cafe

Sonja Preston has worked with over 500 families, assisting them with child development information, helping them manage the issues which can come up in parenting, strengthening their bonds with their children and all in a relaxed, fun environment. The information she shares is research based, so you know you are getting the best.

She has a strengths based approach, believing that parents are the best teachers for their children, and that her role is to support them with additional information, and lots of acknowledgement and praise for the great job which parents do. 

The Parenting Cafe offers free weekly articles, webinars and personal visits - focussed on child development information, tips for managing the issues which arise in parenting, and how to have fun and connection with your child. 

For more details see www.theparentingcafe.com.au

Sonja makes parenting easier and fun!

The Butterfly Effect

You may have heard of or even read the children's story, "The Very Hungry Caterpillar", by Eric Carle. You know the one where the caterpillar starts out small and then goes on an eating spree day by day eating himself silly, eventually builds a cocoon around himself and hibernates and then emerges as a beautiful butterfly?

This story is one of  my daughter's favourite at the moment, so I could recite it to you word for word from the numerous times we have read it together. It did however, get me thinking that there was a lot more to the story than the tale of evolution from a caterpillar to a butterflly. The more thought I give it, the more it resonates with me in my adult life.

It's the story of how change is possible, change is inevitable and that change is something that can be a beautiful thing. It teaches one to be hungry for growth and change, to be adaptable in the face of adversity, that good things do in fact take time; that we should be patient, the wait is worth it and when the time is right, your wings will appear and you will be able to fly. Speaking of flying, that reminds me of a joke I once heard. "Why do angels fly?" "Because they take themselves lightly".

I guess the overall point I am trying to make is that change can be a very wonderful and beautiful thing. Something to be embraced upon, a realisation that change is a journey and not a destination. For some reason, we have become afraid of change, we fear it and run away from it, thinking it's okay I just want to stay the same. I am safe where I am. What I have is good enough.I couldn't possibly change. If I change  I will lose my friends blah blah blah. Insert whatever story you like here (  ______ ).  Or perhaps that's just me coming from my exerpience again?

The bare naked truth is that without change there is no growth, without growth there is no life and if there is no life, there is death. Death of a dream, death of a personality, death of possibility, death of potential. Nature teaches us that change is a beautiful thing. This is seen through not only our beautiful butterfly friends, but the changing of the seasons and I am certain there are many other examples we could identify if we took a moment to reflect. A mentor of mine, Joe Pane says "You're either green and growing or you're ripe and rotting".

Change can happen in an instant, if we choose to let it. There is no law written that we have to stay the same, keep the same beliefes, lead the same life. If you want a different outcome to the one that you are currently experiencing, I can guarantee that change will be the one certainty of you moving closer to your desired outcome.

My challenge to  you this week is to reflect on your current situation and identify what small changes you could make to start taking you down a different path, a path that would bring you closer to having what you want to have, to living life the way you want to be experiencing it.  Because, just like our butterfly friends, beautiful and wonderful things can emerge just when we think our lives are over .......