A Note to My Fellow Mums

Dear Fellow Mums

This note comes from my heart and I ask that we all be kind to one and other. After all, we're playing on the same team here.

We're all on a journey of our own. Our experiences are similar, yet unique. Please respect the fact while doing the same job, we all have a different approach; we find one that works best for us, one that gets us through the day, that brings peace to our home, that gets us a night's sleep so we can wake up and do it all again tomorrow. Yes, this approach may be different to yours, and that's okay. Nobody said we have to be the same.

When a Fellow Mum asks for advice in a public forum, please respond with respect. Asking for help publicly takes a lot of courage and guts for some of us. To make someone else feel less of a mother because they do things differently to you is a crime. Be respectful in your response.

Yes we are entitled to our own opinions, however there's a way to voice them without being overbearing. Unless you can offer support and advice in a way that empowers your Fellow Mums, please be kind enough to keep it to yourself.

I'd like to encourage you to support and champion Fellow Mums. We're all doing it tough. We all have things that we are challenged by, that leave us wanting to tear our hair out, that scare the pants off us, that leave us in tears of frustration. And yes, we all have some things that seem to come more naturally than others. So if you see a Fellow Mum struggling, offer her your support. Come from the heart, come form a place of love, your Fellow Mum will be forever grateful.

Please remember that motherhood is a learned thing and each child is different. This gig is tough enough without us tearing each other down with careless words and judgement.

If you are on the receiving end of advice, please remember the above-mentioned points. Just because something works for one mum, so you give it a try and it doesn't work for you, it doesn't make you any less of a mother. It just means that that's not a suitable way for you and your child/children. Try something else. It has no reflection on you and your mothering capabilities. None at all.

Unfortunately this mothering gig doesn't come with a one-size fits all manual that will solve all our qualms and queries. We are each other's best source of information, support and connection. Please keep these channels as open and honest as you can.

It's my desire to create a space for my Fellow Mums to feel comfortable asking questions and seeking advice in a non-judgmental way, where they are supported and encouraged. To build a community where we are free to be ourselves, to show our vulnerabilities, rather than attempting to live up to someone else's standards and expectations. And yes, be warned, I may stand on my soap box until I bring this vision to the land of reality.

Until Next Time

Take it easy, take a breath, relax and remember - "we're all battling our own mothering demons".

Love

A Fellow Mum

Journey of a Lifetime

Have you ever planned a holiday to some exotic location? Your tickets are booked. You’re busily reading everything you can get your hands on about your dream destination. You daydream. You fantasize. You imagine what it will be like to be somewhere you’ve never been before – to hear a different language, make an attempt to speak the language, to try different food and to experience a different culture. You’ve talked to your friends who been there before you and gotten their advice about the hot spots, the do’s, the dont’s. You’re pumped. Suitcase is packed. You’ve got your passport, your ticket and your hopes and dreams are pinned on this adventure of a lifetime. You are filled with anticipation, hope, excitement and curiosity.

There are some things in life you just can’t prepare for. It doesn't matter how much you research or how many books you read or how many other people you talk to who have been through the same experience, you just can’t prepare for becoming a mother. You also can’t walk down the street pregnant without a stranger offering some random advice and throwing in their two cents about what’s right and what’s wrong when it comes to motherhood and childbirth.

No two birthing experiences are ever the same. We are all unique as individuals, our bodies built perfectly for us. The birthing manuals can’t possibly cover it all. Well if they did, it would probably be a 24-volume encyclopedia version, and what mum-to-be has time to read that while she’s busy preparing for the arrival of her precious bundle. That same precious bundle that’s destined to turn her life and her world upside down and inside out, and not just during the birthing process, but potentially for the next 18 years or so as the bundle goes through the various stages of development and growth.

No book or conversation I had with anyone around pregnancy, motherhood or giving birth could have possibly prepared me for the experience I encountered when my beautiful girl came into this world 4 years ago. I was ready for her. I had wanted children for a very long time. I had natural maternal instincts. I believed that motherhood was my destiny and my future would see me as a stay-at-home mum raising a brood. My pregnancy was like a dream. No morning sickness for me. Everything was like clockwork, all according to the books and magazines ( the couple that I read) !

I remember at my 37-week check up with my GP, she told me that baby’s head was engaged and we were ready to go. I also remember at my 38-week check up with the new, young obstetrician at the hospital that he had some doubt as to whether or not the head was in fact engaged. At the time I laughed at him, mainly because :

a)      He was young and male

b)      I trusted my female GP implicitly

For whatever reason, he eventually concluded that things were as they should be and sent me home to wait out our impending, and much-anticipated arrival.

So I did. Everything was washed. Everything was set up. Everything was ready to go. All we needed was our baby. At ten past midnight on my due date, my waters broke. Off to the hospital we went. I had no labour pains at this stage and when the nurse checked me out at hospital she was going to send me down to the ward to see if anything was going to happen, except there weren’t any spare beds.  There was however a vacant birthing suite, so off we went to “see what happened”.

At 5.30am, I turned to my partner and told him I was ready to push and to find a midwife, they’d been few and far between. He looked at me like I was some crazy woman, but off he went nonetheless. When he returned with the midwife, she gave me the same crazy look, said she’d check things out to see what was going on.  She confirmed that I was indeed ready to push.

Nothing I had read, heard or talked about prepared me for what was to come. After some pushing it was confirmed that my baby was in the breech position. I was offered a c-section or to keep pushing to have a natural birth. My partner chose the second option, as I’d expressed my beliefs around c-sections. It was only to happen if it became a life or death situation.  
Pushing again and passing the time limit, without a baby, I was told that I hadn’t gotten very far, despite the midwives having convinced me I was about to give birth any minute.

I was whisked down to theatre for an emergency c-section, one leg hanging in the air as I was wheeled through the corridors and into the lift. In theatre, I was awake and conscious of what was going on. I don’t remember much of the actual process. I recall some tugging at my stomach and the doctor pulling our baby out and taking her to the observation table.  A reassuring cry came from our baby. The doctor came over, without telling us if we’d had a boy or girl (we were leaving it as a surprise), to inform us that there was something wrong with the baby’s leg and they’d need to investigate.

In that moment, I told myself that I was a failure. I wasn’t even good enough to get making a child right. I carried that with me for a very long time! It was all my fault. I was a failure. I wasn’t good enough. I was so disappointed in myself and felt like I’d let my partner down. I took that one moment and made it mean the end of the world in my mind. I could have chosen to be grateful for the fact that my child was otherwise healthy and well. After all, all of her limbs were intact and she was perfect in every way.

As humans, we tend to focus on the tiny negative aspect, rather than the more abundant positives that surround us. Focussing on the negative is to our detriment. I didn’t know any better at the time! I do now and so make conscious choices on a daily basis to be grateful, to focus on the positives, to live in the moment and to appreciate the little things. There is no guidebook for life. There is no rule book set in stone. Life is for living. Life is for making mistakes. Life is for breaking and bending the rules. Life is for figuring it out. Life is for making it happen. Lighten up. Live in the moment. Love your life for who you are and the experiences that have shaped the wonderful person you are today.

Coming full circle

In this post I wanted to share with you a personal journey I have been on over the past almost 4 years. It involves me becoming a mother. You see, growing up I always wanted children and wanted nothing more than to be a mother with my own family to love, nurture and cherish.

Imagine my shock horror when my daughter arrived into the world in a way that I had not planned for at all! I'd had the perfect pregnancy, my waters even broke at 10 past midnight on her due date. All perfectly going to plan! Up until I got to the stage of actual delivery. Modern medicine somehow missed the fact that our girl was upside down and in fact in breech until I was in 2nd stage of labour!

What came next was something I had not planned nor prepared for .... an emergency c-section. Immediately I told myself I had failed as a mother because having a c-section was not on my list of perfect mother qualities. Uh oh. Yep you can see it coming a mile away! I took one little event that I had no control over and turned it into a hundred thousand times worse than it was.

That moment where I chose to take on that meaning of that situation was my downfall. I can say that now because looking back everything is so much clearer than it was in the haze of emotions and hormones. There began my downward spiral. I loved my daughter from the get go. But I didn't love being a mother. I didn't enjoy being at home with her on my own, not knowing how to soothe her cries, existing on a lack of sleep, not knowing if I was doing the right thing. Heaven help me, life was so much easier when I was working. I knew when I was and wasn't doing a good job, I had instant feedback from all angles to let me know that.

I decided to head back to work... part time... then full time ... then took on the role of the Manager .... then nearly had a break down because I could no longer be everything to everybody... then I went part time again .... 4 days a week.... because I had discovered that looking after myself I could see things more clearly, keep my feelings and emotions on a more even keel, be happy with myself, my relationship, enjoy time with my daughter, spend time with friends, study again. I had options and choice again. The fog was lifting......... and lifting ... and lifting .... and it still is.

This month I cut my workload down even further to spend more time with my gorgeous girl who never ceases to amaze me with her intelligence, her beauty, her passion and enthusiasm for life. To have her in my days and us sharing and creating memories together, having fun, laughing, being silly and giggling over nothing. I have also done this so that I can put more energy into building my business helping others to rediscover and reignite their passion and find their purpose in life. Because that's where my passion now lies.

Once upon a time, my identity was tied up in my job and what I did. Now my identity is tied up in who I am and who I am becoming and who else I can help shine. The message I wanted to send with this post is, if something isn't working for you, don't be afraid to change it and to keep changing it until you get it right. Until you know in your heart that it's right for you and those closest to you. Sometimes life keeps presenting us with the same lessons and it can take a few attempts to get the message that is being sent to us.

At the end of the day, we only get one shot at this thing called life and we may as well enjoy it and make the most of it while we're here!