Journey of a Lifetime

Have you ever planned a holiday to some exotic location? Your tickets are booked. You’re busily reading everything you can get your hands on about your dream destination. You daydream. You fantasize. You imagine what it will be like to be somewhere you’ve never been before – to hear a different language, make an attempt to speak the language, to try different food and to experience a different culture. You’ve talked to your friends who been there before you and gotten their advice about the hot spots, the do’s, the dont’s. You’re pumped. Suitcase is packed. You’ve got your passport, your ticket and your hopes and dreams are pinned on this adventure of a lifetime. You are filled with anticipation, hope, excitement and curiosity.

There are some things in life you just can’t prepare for. It doesn't matter how much you research or how many books you read or how many other people you talk to who have been through the same experience, you just can’t prepare for becoming a mother. You also can’t walk down the street pregnant without a stranger offering some random advice and throwing in their two cents about what’s right and what’s wrong when it comes to motherhood and childbirth.

No two birthing experiences are ever the same. We are all unique as individuals, our bodies built perfectly for us. The birthing manuals can’t possibly cover it all. Well if they did, it would probably be a 24-volume encyclopedia version, and what mum-to-be has time to read that while she’s busy preparing for the arrival of her precious bundle. That same precious bundle that’s destined to turn her life and her world upside down and inside out, and not just during the birthing process, but potentially for the next 18 years or so as the bundle goes through the various stages of development and growth.

No book or conversation I had with anyone around pregnancy, motherhood or giving birth could have possibly prepared me for the experience I encountered when my beautiful girl came into this world 4 years ago. I was ready for her. I had wanted children for a very long time. I had natural maternal instincts. I believed that motherhood was my destiny and my future would see me as a stay-at-home mum raising a brood. My pregnancy was like a dream. No morning sickness for me. Everything was like clockwork, all according to the books and magazines ( the couple that I read) !

I remember at my 37-week check up with my GP, she told me that baby’s head was engaged and we were ready to go. I also remember at my 38-week check up with the new, young obstetrician at the hospital that he had some doubt as to whether or not the head was in fact engaged. At the time I laughed at him, mainly because :

a)      He was young and male

b)      I trusted my female GP implicitly

For whatever reason, he eventually concluded that things were as they should be and sent me home to wait out our impending, and much-anticipated arrival.

So I did. Everything was washed. Everything was set up. Everything was ready to go. All we needed was our baby. At ten past midnight on my due date, my waters broke. Off to the hospital we went. I had no labour pains at this stage and when the nurse checked me out at hospital she was going to send me down to the ward to see if anything was going to happen, except there weren’t any spare beds.  There was however a vacant birthing suite, so off we went to “see what happened”.

At 5.30am, I turned to my partner and told him I was ready to push and to find a midwife, they’d been few and far between. He looked at me like I was some crazy woman, but off he went nonetheless. When he returned with the midwife, she gave me the same crazy look, said she’d check things out to see what was going on.  She confirmed that I was indeed ready to push.

Nothing I had read, heard or talked about prepared me for what was to come. After some pushing it was confirmed that my baby was in the breech position. I was offered a c-section or to keep pushing to have a natural birth. My partner chose the second option, as I’d expressed my beliefs around c-sections. It was only to happen if it became a life or death situation.  
Pushing again and passing the time limit, without a baby, I was told that I hadn’t gotten very far, despite the midwives having convinced me I was about to give birth any minute.

I was whisked down to theatre for an emergency c-section, one leg hanging in the air as I was wheeled through the corridors and into the lift. In theatre, I was awake and conscious of what was going on. I don’t remember much of the actual process. I recall some tugging at my stomach and the doctor pulling our baby out and taking her to the observation table.  A reassuring cry came from our baby. The doctor came over, without telling us if we’d had a boy or girl (we were leaving it as a surprise), to inform us that there was something wrong with the baby’s leg and they’d need to investigate.

In that moment, I told myself that I was a failure. I wasn’t even good enough to get making a child right. I carried that with me for a very long time! It was all my fault. I was a failure. I wasn’t good enough. I was so disappointed in myself and felt like I’d let my partner down. I took that one moment and made it mean the end of the world in my mind. I could have chosen to be grateful for the fact that my child was otherwise healthy and well. After all, all of her limbs were intact and she was perfect in every way.

As humans, we tend to focus on the tiny negative aspect, rather than the more abundant positives that surround us. Focussing on the negative is to our detriment. I didn’t know any better at the time! I do now and so make conscious choices on a daily basis to be grateful, to focus on the positives, to live in the moment and to appreciate the little things. There is no guidebook for life. There is no rule book set in stone. Life is for living. Life is for making mistakes. Life is for breaking and bending the rules. Life is for figuring it out. Life is for making it happen. Lighten up. Live in the moment. Love your life for who you are and the experiences that have shaped the wonderful person you are today.

Happiness..... it's an inside job

How often have you said to yourself, "I will be happy when  I have ...(insert random shiny object and/or event here) ? How often have you acquired the random shiny object and/or event and still felt a sense of  emptiness, unaccomplishment, disconnect? The so-called happiness you were expecting, just didn't arrive? Oh and according to the Buddhists, having an expectation is the definition of sufferring.

I know it sounds cliched, but I will say it again - "Happiness is a journey, not a destination", "Happiness is a way of life". I used to think it was all a big fat cliche too. Then a few things started to change. A big shift occurred in my life and my way of thinking when I was taught and realised, that we are 100% responsible for what happens in our life, that emotions are a choice, something that we do, not something that happens to us. Wow, what a steep learning curve that was. That's a whole blog post in itself!

You mean to say that I could no longer blame anyone else except me for not being happy? That I was solely responsible for the misery I was experiencing? That I was actually choosing drama and depression over peace and love? That the lack of love I felt in my relationship had to do with me? No way, it couldn't be so. It was all him, it couldn't be me!

The change wasn't instant, it was a process that took time and is still something I am working towards each and every day. Today, I wanted to take some time to share with you some of the things that I have begun to do that have helped me to change my perspective of happiness and it's source.

One of the first things is to get grateful for the things you do have. Remember a couple of posts ago, we discussed "where focus goes, energy flows?" So if we're focussing on being grateful for things in our lives, what do you think is going to start showing up? Yes, that's right  - good things, positive things. The best way that I have found to help with this is to keep a gratitude journal to write down what you're grateful for each day.

Just to digress for a moment, my journal used to be the source of negativity in my life. Anything bad that happened, guess where it got written? Yep, in my journal. Guess how I was always feeling when I wrote in my journal? Sad, angry, depressed, unloved..... the list of negativity goes on.  So I decided to change that. I went out and bought myself a beautiful new journal, which now has its own new rules. I am only allowed to write good stuff, positive stuff, happy stuff. Guess what I do now when I am feeling low, sad or blue - I go to my gratitude journal and read of the things that I am grateful for. And knowing that I am responsible for how I am feeling and that I have chosen a particular emotion, those "negative' feelings are showing up less often and for shorter periods of time.

The other thing that's had a huge impact, is making sure that I am taking time out each day to do something for myself to add to my "feeling great" bank. This could be something as simple as enjoying a cup of tea in bed, reading, going for a walk, writing, playing with my daughter, cooking. Notice that there is more than one source of activity that I can do to contribute towards generate feeling good?

The more activites that you can do in your day, no matter how small, will create a domino effect. Over time you will become more grateful and more aware of the wonderful things that you already have, and begin to choose to be happy, to come from a place of love and gratitude rather than expectation, blame and lack. Take it from someone who's been there - this is a journey well worth investing in.