Diary of a Second Time Mum - "The Advantages of Having a Koala Bear Baby"

17th July - 23 days old

Dear Diary

So this is where I am hanging out today.... on my bed, with my little man snuggled in closely and laptop on hand to keep me entertained in between feeds and naps.

It seems Little Man loves being closely snuggled between the milk bar and doesn't like being too far away from them at all!!

This experience is a new one for me. You see, I didn't get the snuggly, cuddly moments with my daughter for several reasons:
a) she was in a brace to correct her hip, so she was more like cuddling a box than a baby
b) I suffered severely from "First Time Mum Syndrome" and was too scared to cuddle for too long in case I created a "clingy" baby or did something wrong (I'm so grateful I got the opportunity to be a mother again!)

I know now that cuddles do not create clingy babies and it's okay to make up the rules as you go along. It makes so much sense that my baby wants to be close to me, after all we went everywhere together for 9 months, just because we are now 2 separate entities, doesn't mean that that changes anything! My Koala Bear Baby has taught me the following in a short amount of time:

• There's nothing better in the world than snuggling with your precious new little person
• Appreciating the moment for what it is, knowing that this time will never come again
• This time is a wonderful opportunity for me to rest and catch up on sleep. Naps are a beautiful thing and the world looks so much better after a little snooze!
• Going with the flow and taking things as they come, rather than undertaking my day with control and military precision ticking off check boxes and to-do lists
• If things get done, great. If they don't - no big deal. Tomorrow is another day and another opportunity to have a crack then
• I'm not out to prove anything to anyone. There are no awards to be won. Perfect Mother does not exist and I have no desire whatsoever to chase that title in this lifetime ever again. I am perfect in all the right ways for the little people that need me and mean the world to me. No one else's opinion of that counts!

I will sign off for now as there are more precious cuddles waiting for me.

Until next we meet.

Love

Shanelle

Breaking Up With My All or Nothing Mentality

This past week has been quite a turning point for me personally and professionally. Last week I wrote about having my shit together for the arrival of our baby. And yes physically speaking, I am prepared for his arrival. I have all the "things" needed to take care of him.

What I didn't realise was that my mental preparation wasn't quite where it needed to be. A conversation with a close friend and fellow coach woke me up to the fact that I was gripping rather tightly to an "all or nothing" mentality, after she rejected the invitation to my pity party (Do yourself a favour and find friends who can snap you out of your doom and gloom thinking, not join in with you!).

Somewhere along the lines I'd decided I could only be Mum or could only be a professional. And if I was Mum, it meant I had to do EVERYTHING on my own. I thought my business needed to get parked in the corner whilst I carried on being Mum of a newborn and an energetic 4 year old.

What a MASSIVE awakening to realise that I can do both.

For too long this "all or nothing" mentality has played the devil's advocate in my life. Not only was it affecting my current thinking; when I took a huge step back and took a bird's eye view, it was affecting almost EVERY aspect - my business, my health, my relationship, my parenting, my creativity, my wealth. I was placing so much pressure on myself.

When I say "all or nothing" what  I mean is I was either in there gung ho, pumped up with my heart's desire to achieve an outcome instantly. When I wasn't instantly gratified in pursuit of my feat it became nothing. I  stopped taking action.

The learning I've taken away from this is:

"how can I create consistency in the areas that are important to me right now?" 

Consistency is the key to unlock the doors that I had shut down on myself. Having the ability to take small bites of the pie regularly, rather than trying to shove the whole damn thing in my mouth in one go is the approach required.

Right now it's not about having it all, it's about creating a lifestyle that is sustainable and a fit for my family and I. It's not about turning up, leaving and taking a break at set times, working under pressure, meeting deadlines, working for someone else or having to jump because someone in a higher position told me to. I am me. I get to create my own way of doing things. I finally get it!

Acknowledging this has opened up so many possibilities. No longer am I thinking I can't have my business and a baby. Now I am thinking how can I keep my business ticking over while I am taking care of my baby.?

You all know that my passion is to help other mums adjust to motherhood. I can't just put a lid on that jar and shove it in the back of the pantry hoping I get to use it before its expiry date. My passion pulses through my veins just like my blood, it's there morning, noon and night, it excites me, it invigorates me and most of all it lights me up. I can't switch it on or off willy nilly, but I can let the flame continue to burn gently as I get through the first few months of being a Mum to two wonderful children.

The thing I find interesting, is when you are ready, the messages start to appear before you. My friend also passed on this article for me to read:
http://www.linkedin.com/today/post/article/20140423172238-6435-talented-women-please-do-not-quit?fb_action_ids=10151955477686580&fb_action_types=og.likes&fb_source=aggregation&fb_aggregation_id=288381481237582

It was like confirmation and the timing was impeccable. Do yourself a favour, grab a cuppa and allow 10 minutes to read it for yourself.

So how did I get to this point of epiphany and ideas exploding like fireworks in my mind? With the help of my friend, I was able to get my head out of my ass and stopped staring at the next 6 -9 months with gloom and doom; feeling all sorts of helpless and compiling my excuses list.

What she got me to do was take myself out to 5 years from now and take a look at what was happening for me in my business and my family. How did I want things to be? Who was I helping in my business? What was I doing during a normal day? Once I could see that, we stepped to 2 years from now and did the same thing and then lastly 6 months from now.

As we worked through, it became clear I could progress steadily towards my ultimate dream of establishing a perinatal wellness centre on the Capricorn Coast. A sancutary where mums can come to connect with other mums, a place where there is a midwife on hand to talk through any issues, a place that is serene and calming, a place that has yoga and meditation classes for mums, mothers groups and workshops and the possibilities continue to flow.

What hit me as well is that I don't need to wait a year or two years to bring this dream to fruition. I can start now. I can keep writing and sharing my message. I can record videos and write books and articles. I can enlist the help of other bloggers to guest post to give my readers something to read each week without there being pressure on me to have to write. I can embrace technology and begin to automate some aspects of my business. I can continue to grow and flourish by reading and educating myself. I can continue to coach and run workshops here and there. I can let the flame of my dream continue to burn. I can make a difference.

What's your story morning glory?

 The first few weeks of motherhood are just a blur when I look back. A constant cycle of feeding, nappy changes, bathing, changing, trying to get some sleep where I could. I can’t access any specific memories during that time. I remember feeling out of control, out of my depth and just taking things day by day. After all, I was still healing too. The time came for my partner to return to work and I guess it’s from there that the memories flow from. He worked long hours and I was often at home alone at night with our girl.

I remember it being quite lonely. Not being able to drive for those first 6 weeks was a real isolator. I was alone in a brand new home with a brand new baby to boot and no instruction manual to get me through. Thank goodness for the mid-wives popping in every couple of days for their checks and for my mum coming to take me to the shops when I needed it.  It was comforting to have people around me, but I didn’t know how to reach out and ask for help. I thought if I did, I would be seen as a failure, as the chick that couldn’t get this motherhood thing right. Because you either get it right or you don’t. There was no room for trial and error in my mind. So I pushed my feelings down and carried on.

There were so many rules that I’d made for myself and for our girl even before we’d even met her. I would breastfeed her. She would wear cloth nappies. She would sleep in her own bed. Our child would never have a dummy. I never had one and I managed to survive okay. When I think about these rules now, they weren’t really my rules at all. I had learned them from when my mum was a mum and she from her mum and so on, back through the generations it goes. The rules were rigid, structured and judgemental. Lacking flexibility and from generations where the woman became a stay-at-home-mum once she’d given birth. She was expected to raise the family and manage the domestic chores.

One day, I had our angel midwife from the hospital visiting me and my mum was there too. On this particular day and for a few days before, I’d been struggling to settle our baby. Every time I lay her down for a sleep, she would wake within a few minutes. It was driving me bonkers. The constant crying and no peace was sending my world into chaos. I didn’t know what to do. Nothing I did seem to work. I was exhausted from a lack of sleep. My hormones were out of control. Tears came without warning.

With the help of our angelic midwife, we discovered that our girl liked to sleep with her head slightly raised. Who knew what kind of discomfort she had with her brace on? That’s the other distressing thing with a newborn too. There’s no instruction manual and no real indication of when you’re doing the right thing for them and when you’re not. There’s also no praise nor validation for when you do get it right. Something I was very much used to in my line of work. I don’t know that I ever got used to that. I just felt like a failure.

It dawned on me one day that I was never going to be the “perfect mum”. You know the ones you see on the cover of magazines in a bikini just weeks after giving birth. Trim, taut and terrific. I was never going to look like that because I’d had my stomach cut open to even have my baby. I couldn’t bring myself to look at my Caesar scar for the longest time. It was a constant reminder of how I’d failed as a mother right from the get go. Man, I couldn’t even have a natural birth, so what hope did I have of being the “perfect mum”.

These were the demons I was constantly battling with. You’re probably reading this and may even be thinking, that story you were telling yourself is complete and utter bullshit. And sitting here now writing it, years later, I can say without doubt that it was a bullshit story. We create our reality each and every day, in every single moment. With everything that happens in our world, we have a choice, whether we are aware of it or not. We choose how we feel. We choose how we respond. We choose what we believe in. We don’t always make good choices and at times may not even be aware that choice exists.

Looking back now, I know I took the safe choice, the familiar choice, the I-am-so-used-to-beating-myself-up-about-what-it-is-that-I-can’t-do choice that I don’t have it within me to see any positives in the situation. I wasn’t even aware at the time that if I’d not had the emergency c-section, I wouldn’t be here to share my story and most definitely wouldn’t be blessed with sharing my days with my beautiful, intelligent, inspiring and often challenging 4 year-old daughter. This is something I am now grateful and appreciative for every single day when I wake up and greet the world. I am truly thankful.