Parental Flexibility

Being a parent means becoming flexible and learning to roll with the punches. Please allow me to indulge in a little story from this morning ....

8.39am - Me to Miss 6 - "Quick. Time to do your hair before we go to school". (We are normally in the car ready to leave as the bell rings at 8.45am.)

I start brushing her hair and notice something crawling in there. Upon closer inspection I discover that an infestation of nits has decided to interrupt our morning routine and has determined that we will not in fact be getting to school on time this morning and I will indeed be late for my 9.30am commitment.

In years past, this would have stressed me to no end and anxiety would have immediately kicked in. This morning, there were no signs of Mr Anxiety at all.

With a deep breath I said to her "Well I guess we'll have to get these cheeky buggers out before either of us is going anywhere today!". I contacted my co-facilitator to make sure she would be there for kick off time at 9.30am. And then we started the de-nitting process.

Any mother is familiar with this process and it is one of my most detested duties to carry out.

As we were carrying out said task, Miss 6 started to worry that she would be late for school. I assured her that we would get her there by the end of the day and that she wasn't missing out on too much.

I told her that the universe must have decided that we needed a little more time together this morning and had invited the nits to come to visit. She seemed pretty impressed with this and was also mightily impressed with the size of the livestock coming out of the coming process!

She pondered if nits did in fact have eyes. I confirmed that I wasn't sure, but we could ask Mr Google this afternoon when she got home from school.

Forty minutes later the de-nitting process was complete, hair was washed, uniform back on, hair was subsequently put up into a very tight bun and then enthusiastically sprayed with a tonne of hair spray to attempt to deter the cheeky buggers.

Moral of the story ...... things don't always go to plan. We always have a choice in how we react. We can choose to be drawn into drama and stress or we can choose to take the positive learnings that are available to us at every opportunity. We can draw upon the resources and reach out and ask for assistance when we know we need it.

What will you choose when things don't go the way you'd planned today?

Happy Friday and big love to you wherever you may be today xxxx <#

The Unwelcome Visitor - Diary of a Second Time Mum

Laying in bed last night after a hectic four or five days, I noticed a familiar tightness in my chest and then noticed my breathing was short, almost gasping. My body was tense and my muscles tight. It took me back to my "first time mother"days. As I lay there in this state, I realised that anxiety had begun to creep back into my life.

Over the past few days, I'd put a lot of pressure on myself to single-handedly  pull off a 5th Birthday Party for Little Miss Now 5 with all sorts of spanners thrown in my direction. Even though the party was a success, there were many obstacles that came up along the way. Starting with my partner having to work, my mum falling sick and not being able to make it on the day to help out, people turning up who hadn't rsvp'd (that really puts a well-planned pass the parcel into disarray!), siblings coming with their brothers/sisters that I hadn't been informed of (my inner control freak went into complete freak-out mode for a bit there!)

Reflecting now, I realise that I had set myself a huge task. I wanted this birthday to be a special one for Little Miss 5, except it nearly came at the cost of my sanity. With all the random acts of the universe being thrown into the mix, I felt challenged and yet took pride in overcoming these challenges as they arose. The whole experience though was tinged with a fear that had been quiet within for a long time. It's visit on Sunday was unexpected.

This re-birthed my fear of "not being good enough". I felt I was on show, that my mothering and organisational skills were being judged, that my cake decorating skills needed to reflect something out of a Dona Hay magazine. It was all about me. For awhile there I lost sight of why I was doing what I was doing...... it was all about my daughter, not all about me!

I learned a few valuable lessons going through this experience:

•  I am great at offering help to others. I am NOT great at asking for help or accepting offers of help. (Note to self - learn how to do more of this).
• I am prone to setting my expectations of myself too high 
• Practicing mindfulness and meditation is beneficial to my mental health and wellbeing (more on that in my next post!) 

The good news is that I survived. The great news is that I was able to recognise this pattern in my behaviour (allbeit after the event), I am now able to let go of that feeling of anxiousness and pull out the relaxation music and candles. The best news is that I will never again set myself an almost unachievable task without first seeking the help of others!!

Until next time,

Love

Shanelle

My Letter to a New Mum - Guest Post by Michelle Lia from Mumma Bliss

You have just been on the biggest transformation of your life in your pregnancy, now you are a new mum – congratulations! It’s such an amazing journey. There will be times where you just want to cry, but the rewards outweigh the frustrations.  You will feel exhausted, emotional and you may even start to worry about returning to work. You may start feeling depressed or suffer from anxiety.  BUT there are so many rewards, the first smile, the first time they look at you. Ahhh I remember those first moments, like it was only yesterday, now my son is 6 years old.

The one thing I wish I did when I became a new mum was to enjoy every single moment. Being present in each and every moment is the biggest gift of all.  These moments, even though they sound frustrating and stressful, they are just moments in our life. Your baby will grow, and move onto the next stage and before you know it they are at big school and not wanting to cuddle their mummy in public.

Trust your intuition – don’t listen to friends or family who place judgements on the way you should be mothering. Listen to your heart and follow your intuition – it’s always right.

Don’t worry too much.  Remember everything will always work out.  You may start to worry that you are losing your identity of who you were before you became a mother. I know this all too well. I started lose myself as a new mum. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I knew I needed to do something to make a difference by helping mums and serving others – that’s why I created MummaBliss.

Take time out for yourself. Make sure you spend 10 minutes per day to yourself doing something that feels good for you. Self-care practices are important to make sure you nurture the nurturer. Check out Daily Self-care for all mums. By doing this, you will have more energy to be a loving mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend.  Don’t feel guilty for taking some time out to yourself – it’s important. Always put yourself first.  Be gentle on yourself. Practice a heart breathing and meditation on a daily basis:

Bring your awareness up to the centre of your chest – to your Heart – your chakra of self-development and unconditional love or also called Anahata. Gently breathe into your Heart, letting it soften and expand on your breath. Invite the colour green. Bathe your heart centre with nourishment, renewal, healing. Say the words “I am loved”. “I am love” “I allow myself to give and receive love freely”“I am nourished by the power of love”. Practice this everyday for 40 days and notice miracles flow into your life, especially more love and more love for yourself.

I recently created a Mummy Manifesto, which is everything I believe in to be a happy, present and mindful mum. Here’s some of the quotes from the Mummy Manifesto – pin it up on your fridge as a good reminder.  I would love to hear your thoughts on the Mummy Manifesto. I poured my heart and soul into this project. It is something that I am very passionate about and believe it is the secret to motherhood. 

Begin your day with gratitude and love

Set a daily intention

Trust your intuition

List 3 things to be grateful for before bed

Be patient

Connect with your body

Spend 10 mins per day on yourself

Michelle Lia is a maternity wellness coach, yoga teacher, motivational speaker and founder of MummaBliss. I help mums let go of fear, anxiety and stress by living in the moment, connected and radiantly happy with yoga, mediation and self-care practices.  Visit www.mummabliss.com. You can also follow MummaBliss on Facebook www.facebook.com/mummablissoz.

Silent Screaming

As the weeks wore on, my feelings about myself and motherhood weren’t getting any better. I loved my baby, yet I didn't love me and how I felt. Constant anxiousness, racing heart, tight chest and shallow breathing were my new friends. I felt like I was drowning. I felt so out of control that I had to control everything I could.

When I was feeding our baby girl, her feeds were timed. Ten minutes on each breast, I recall being the magic number and the rule I had. I hated feeding. It was so uncomfortable. I hated not being able to move and hated even more those moments when I needed to go to the toilet but was in the middle of a feed and not able to take her off the breast knowing all hell would break loose if I did. So I carried on, hating it.

I wondered what was wrong with me. I didn’t get the warm and fuzzy feeling that I’d heard many mums talk about when they were feeding their babies. I felt so relied upon all the time and that scared the living daylights out of me.

There were days when I couldn’t shift the anxiety. I couldn’t bear to hear our girl cry. If I did, I would start too. There was so much sadness in my heart. My favourite hangout when she was sleeping was in the bottom of our walk-in robe with the door firmly closed. Enveloped in darkness, I felt safe. My external environment matched how I felt on the inside. I remember silently screaming. So many fears and emotions running rampant, I just couldn’t get them out. I didn’t know how to. I didn’t know what the consequences would be. And so they stayed inside me and the internal screaming continued to get louder and louder.

But the feeling in my chest just wouldn’t let up. I can clearly recall the day that I realised my world was falling apart. It was 7am in the morning and I’d already done 3 loads of washing, hung them on the line,  baked a chocolate cake, some monte carlos and had an apple pie on the way. It was as if I had a momentary out of body experience. From afar I saw myself doing what I was doing and said to myself, “This is freaking crazy! You are not okay and you need to talk to someone about this. It can’t be normal!”

It seemed like forever until it was 8.30am and I could ring the doctor’s surgery to make an appointment with my GP. Finally I got through.  The receptionist must have picked up that things were not good with me; she managed to get me in straight away. As I got off the phone, I felt relief. The tears were streaming down my face and the feeling of hopelessness and imperfection came bubbling up again. In my heart I knew I was doing the right thing for myself and for our baby girl.

Sitting in the room with the doctor, I managed to tell her what I had been going through. I felt safe with her and trusted her. Through the tears I managed to tell her my story, how I hated breastfeeding, how I felt like a failure and how I wasn’t cut out for motherhood. She turned to me and said, “If the mother is happy, then the baby is happy. If you being happy means stopping breastfeeding and moving to formula, then so be it”. It was really that clear cut and simple.

I was with her for a long time. I talked. I cried. I shared my pain. She just sat and listened and offered me tissue after tissue. She then looked at me and said, “I think you may have postnatal depression, with what you’ve experienced with the birth and everything else that you’ve gone through”. In a sense, there was relief. What I was going through was abnormal and yet again, I wasn’t alone. Now I had a label to add to the collection, and it definitely wasn’t Chanel.

Together we came up with a plan. Start weaning baby off the breast and get her onto formula. Then we could start to take care of me. She gave me options. Once baby was weaned I could go onto medication and see a psychologist. I was to see her every other week as well, so she could keep track of my progress. I left with a fistful of pamphlets about post-natal depression, it’s causes and it’s treatments to take home to share with my partner, phone numbers for Lifeline in case I needed someone else to talk to, phone numbers for playgroups because I needed to start mingling more with other mums and her own personal mobile.

As we left, that familiar sense of failure came back. I had felt so completely safe and trusting in the doctor’s office. Yet as soon as I was back in reality, I felt totally out of control. I had no idea how I was going to explain to my partner what was going on with me and what was happening in my head.

That night I had a discussion with my partner about my visit to the doctor. I had always struggled with knowing the “right” thing to say. When I was younger, I would spend hours having conversations in my head, just to ask my parents a simple question like “Could I go to the disco on Friday night”. Communicating my feelings to my partner was a huge risk and I was terrified of how it he would accept it.

I was able to tell him about our trip to the doctor and her recommendations. He told me there was nothing wrong with me; it was all in my head. Darn tooting right it was in my head!!! He wasn’t in favour of me going on medication, but said if that helped, then so be it. He agreed that the breastfeeding was upsetting me and wanted to become more involved in that side of things. I couldn’t help but feel that I had let him down too, that on some level I had failed his expectations of motherhood.

And I guess this is where it all fell down for me. I had the picture in my head of how it should be and what the right thing was and the wrong thing was. There was no room for someone to throw a spanner in the works and change the course of my pre-planned events. Over time I’ve learnt to loosen my grip on control and have learnt to go with the flow more. To just relax, take a deep breath and trust that things will work out the way they are meant to.