Don't Forget Dad - Guest Post by Robyn De Beer (Mrs D Plus 3)

After my first child was born I was very unexpectedly struck down with Post Natal Depression.  I know ‘struck down’ sounds a bit dramatic, but that’s how I felt.  I went from a perfectly normal pregnancy where I was counting the minutes until I’d meet my little boy, to almost not being able to be in the same room as him when he cried.

I was so withdrawn and ashamed about how I was feeling that I did everything in my power to hide it.  I actually did a very good job of pretending to the outside world that I was ‘fine’ and life with a new baby was ‘fabulous’ even though it was anything but.

The problem was that I was unable to hide it from my husband.  Living in the same house together and sharing the same bed made it impossible.  He watched me slowly fall apart and listened to me sob myself to sleep night after night.  I was in such a massive state of denial, that in my mind I was hiding it all from him too.

I believed (at the time) that our baby didn’t love me he just loved his Dad.  Why was it that Dad could settle him and I couldn’t?  How come Dad went all doe eyed when he looked at him and I didn’t?  How did Dad get to bond with him so quickly and I couldn’t?  All these questions were running though my head every second of every day making me build up huge walls and barriers of resentment.  I was horrible to him and it wasn’t his fault at all.

Our relationship, which was once rock solid before this little human was born, was falling apart too and I couldn’t even see it.   The more he tried to help the further away I pushed him, until one day he decided to have a intervention and he called my mum.  I was so angry with him for doing it because I saw it as the ultimate betrayal of trust.  This was MY secret and not his to share.

Some time later and upon reflection I can now fully appreciate that by stepping in and doing something he not only saved me, but also saved us, and I will always be so grateful for that.

During the months I suffered from Post Natal Depression the focus was so much on me, the new mum, that very few people actually asked how my husband was doing.  Although he was over the moon by with the arrival of our precious boy, he also had to silently watch me suffer from the sidelines and that could not have been easy for him.

Having a new baby affects everyone differently.  Some people cope perfectly well and others struggle.  It is not always just the mums that struggle; it can also be the Dads and relationships too.

If you are reading this and think that you or your partner may be suffering from Post Natal Depression than please visit or call PANDA (http://www.panda.org.au/) on 1300 726306

Written by Robyn de Beer at www.mrsdplus3.com

"Real life tales of a stay at home mum with three kids. Honest and often humorous, I cover all the ordinary moments that can often be extraordinary if you look closely enough. My blog appeals to anyone who loves cooking with a thermomix, appreciates the odd 'hair-pulling' moments the school run or kids dinner time can bring, loves photography (especially the amateur kind), and sees the bright side of parenting. Life is different every day."

My Vulnerability Hangover

As you are no doubt aware, last year I wrote several posts about my motherhood journey, sharing the highs the lows, the dramas the delights. It was an incredibly releasing experience for me. It allowed me to let go of so much of the emotional baggage I’d been carrying around for the past 4 years.

Telling my story allowed me to let go. It created space for me to move forward. But it’s also left me feeling like I’d opened myself wide up to the world and now I am bearing the brunt of a vulnerability hangover.

For those of you familiar with Brene Brown’s work, you will know exactly what I am referring to. For those who haven’t had the privilege of hearing this incredible woman speak, take a few minutes to check her out here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o

You see, I felt like I shared too much. And in a way there’s a sense of shame associated with my story. Because it didn’t pan out the way I wanted it to. I felt like I had bared my soul to the cyber world and have no idea who has read my story or who knows the details of what I had shared. I don’t even really know if anyone else related to it or if it struck nerves or chords with those who read the posts.

I’ve been in a bit of a daze the past couple of months, mainly because so much has been happening in my personal life (and yes I will no doubt share the details with you in my coming posts) but also because I am not sure if my message was received and how it was received. Or if you the one reading this thinks I am a complete nutter?

We never really know what others think of us and we don’t need to. The reason I shared my story in the first place was to not only let go of the emotional baggage I’d been trudging around with, but to let others know that it’s okay to have a ‘less-than-perfect” approach to life  and that it happens with its twists and turns. It’s how you handle yourself in the fallout. It’s how you pick yourself up again and rebuild the pieces, even stronger than before. It’s the lessons we learn that form the beautiful patchwork quilt we make ourselves during our lifetime. I wanted others to know that it’s okay to reach out and share experiences.

And the more I’ve thought about this over the past few days, my reaction has been typical of what society has moulded us to be. Don’t share too much. Don’t be too honest. Don’t open up too much. I realise also that I had once again fallen in the trap of feeling as though there was some sort of standard I should be complying to, rather than just being me.

Stepping back, I gently reminded myself that there’s only one of me. I am unique and individual, as are you. We each have our own stories, tales that have melded, moulded and shaped us into who we are today. And for that, we should be proud. I have declared that it’s okay for me to be me and for me to share my story. It will resonate with some and others will think I’m a dick, and that’s totally cool.

But you know what, if what I share just helps one other person and begins a ripple effect in their life and helps them turn themselves around, rediscover who they really are before the world told them who they were meant to be, then I have made a contribution towards making the world a better place. I urge you to be the real, authentic you – that’s exactly who the world needs right now!