The Delicate Art of Finding Yourself - Guest Post from Gayel Stewart-Aires (Modern Mummy Mayhem)

When we become parents for the first time, we are pretty schooled up on how to care for our newborns.  There are books, magazines, brochures, products, blogs, websites yahdee yahdee yahdaa and we feast on all of them.  We want only what is best for this brand new life we have created and we will stop at nothing to give it all.

We pull all nighters when they are ill and chug back the caffeine the next day to keep going.  We carry them on our hips, twist, turn and pick things up regardless of how sore our backs have become.  We shower in seconds. Forget to brush our teeth. Rarely exercise and often finish off their scraps instead of eating whole nutritious meals.

For some of us, we run on autopilot during the years with young children.  For others it is routine, routine, routine.   For nearly all of us though, we forget that we need to continue on caring for ourselves, so that we can care for these precious little inventions, our babes, our children.

I have 3 children.  Ages 11, 9 and 3.  After my first daughter, I was gobsmacked at how little she slept, how much sitting on the couch breastfeeding I had to do and how little time I had for myself.

Nobody ever told me about this.  Nobody ever told me either, that the smallest of chores I once did without thinking, would become very hard to complete.  Nobody ever told me that this stuff could send me crazy.  Even worse though, was the fact that nobody ever thought to tell me that I needed to be finding time for myself as a matter of priority.

That I needed to nurture my soul and not just my Daughter.

So unknowingly, I worked really hard at being a Mum.  I later worked really hard at being a Mum of two daughters and then a single Mum of two daughters and full time employee.

My diet was atrocious. I rarely exercised and my smiles were forced.  I did nothing for myself that made me happy.  My kids on the other hand thrived.

Years later I met my now Husband and together brought into the world a little boy.  A little boy who is now 3, and who has suffered from Gastro Oesphagael Reflux Disease since he was born.   To suggest this has turned our world upside down is an understatement.

By the time he was 6 months old I was exhausted.  Life was like groundhog day.  Relentless.  Hard and never ending.

It was about then that I realised that it was sink or swim time.  I could no longer sustain ignoring my own needs.  I had to start carving out small parcels of time for things I enjoyed.  Initially this was really hard but I started to simplify things.  I enjoyed taking pictures, so off I would go outside, with the baby in the carrier, snapping away.  Looking for small detail and beauty.   It was a small escape for small amounts of time, but it was glorious.

Our little boy spent 2 years screaming.  I spent 2 years appeasing and soothing those screams by carrying him around and breastfeeding him.  On the bad days, I would look in the mirror and not even see myself properly.  On the good days, I would steal back some time.  I ate up any information about blogging and social media that I could find, took photos and then started my blog.

Eventually, my health did begin to fail though.  I lost a lot of weight and had some unfavourable and scary test results. I thought I was caring for myself but I wasn't really.   I was being too haphazard in my approach.

It was only at this point that I truly realised my own self worth.  The one thing that I threw away the day I brought home my first child and never regained.

With the never ending support of my Husband, I made a pact to exercise more, eat better and do a few things that made me happy, consistently.  Not just a few hours here and there.

A year later now, I sit here writing this piece, feeling that for the first time ever I am comfortable in my own skin.  I have more energy and I smile truly from the inside.  There is nothing forced about who I am.  I am me and I know exactly who that is.

Not just my children's mother.

It isn't just that I have suddenly become happy either.  It took a lot of hard work.  It took what felt like selfishness initially (but wasn't really), sacrifices, good planning, the willingness to ask for help and consistent commitment.

It is a delicate art, a game even, finding time for yourself when you are Mother.  The benefits are enormous and the disadvantages to ignoring these needs of yours is frightening.

So from me to you.  Please please, don't give up your self worth.  Don't stop doing things you love and enjoy.  Those things that you love, make you who you are.  When you are who you are, you are most happy.  The crappiest of days can be weathered when you know who you are.

Some days this advice may all seem too impossible, other days it may only be a few minutes you can offer yourself.  But honestly, once you shift your mindset off being entirely focused on those you love and include yourself too, you will rock this life home my friend.

I PROMISE.

Gayel Stewart-Airs

www.modernmummymayhem.com

He's Finally Here!!!

Hi Everyone

A quick post to let you know we welcomed our gorgeous son into the world slightly earlier than expected on Tuesday 24th June at 3.59am weighing 8 pound 2 oz. We  are totally in love with our little man who now completes our family of 4.

Over the coming weeks I will continue to post where I can and will also be sharing some guest posts with you from other mum & parentinh bloggers - so watch this space. In addition I will be aiming to write a weekly diarised post entitled "Diary of a Second Time Mum" sharing with you my insights as I adjust to life with a new born and an almost 5 year old.

Here's a little pic of the new man in our lives. I feel blessed that he's chosen to enter the world and share his time with us.

Until I post next, take care and have a brilliant day.

Love

Shanelle

How to Autograph Curveballs

Sometimes in life, you're just cruising along, taking it easy, getting from A to B and then something happens to jolt you back to reality - a curveball is thrown in your path from left or right field you can't really tell because it all happens so quickly. This is exactly what I was faced with a few weeks back.

There I was, driving back into town from a meeting to pick up my daughter and do a few jobs before returning home for lunch and heading out together for an appointment. My plan didn't quite pan out that way however. The universe had other plans. It unleashed a driver on the same road at the same time as me.

A driver who was so focused on the love of her life being on the other side of the road, she wasn't looking where she was going and wasn't aware I was in front of her and that she needed to stop at the roundabout. There was a car in front of me and thankfully I didn't hit them.

As I was shunted from behind by the loved-up driver, the words "WTF" flew out of my mouth automatically. Somehow I managed to pull over safely and get out of the car to investigate the damage. In the scheme of things, a new tailgate on the car was a small price to pay. It could have been worse, much worse. After all Miss 4 has been telling us it's time for a new car, even though this one is not yet 12 months old!

I took myself off to the hospital to be checked out, just as a precaution. I felt fine, but wanted to make sure Baby Phillips was okay too. In accident & emergency I was cleared to go home. However I was due for my ante-natal appointment that afternoon and the midwife said she wanted to see me before I left.

When the A & E Nurse told me I could go, luckily I insisted on seeing the midwife! I was sent over to ante-natal and put on the CTG machine to be monitored for an hour. The CTG was picking up mild contractions, so I needed to stay and be monitored for 4 hours. A note to all the mums-to-be out there - any kind of car accident requires that you be monitored by CTG for at least a 3 hour period.

The contractions weren't painful. But they were regular - coming every 10 - 15 mins with intensity. As I lay there in the stark white room my mind started to wander down the "what if" path. Then I realised that I was playing scenarios through my mind that I didn't need to. I started focussing on the outcome of delivering a happy, healthy baby at full-term, as opposed to there and then at 31 weeks.

I remembered I had downloaded some relaxation music on my phone, so I pulled this out and started to play it. As I listened, I breathed deeply and focused on my desired outcome. Surprisingly enough, the contractions slowed down and then stopped altogether. Finally I was able to go home to my own bed. I was exhausted, yet pleased that I didn't need to be sent to the larger hospital in the area. I would go back the next morning just to check things were okay and if the contractions came back that night, I was to take myself to hospital immediately.

There were a few lessons learned that I'd like to share with you in the hope that when you're faced with a curveball situation, may help you get through a little easier:

• Not everything is about you, sometimes things just happen
• No matter how carefully you plan, there will always be obstacles in your path
• Take responsibility for you and your actions (it can be so easy to  blame others and go into 'victim' mode)
• Manage your mental state - focus on the outcome you want from the situation , rather than getting caught up in the drama of the moment
• Wherever you go, make sure you take some relaxation/meditation music because you never know when you may need it!
• If in doubt remember to breathe - DEEPLY
• 

Joining the dots

Over the past few weeks I've found myself with a pair of knitting needles in hand, making beautiful things and going into the deep meditative state the seems to come to me when I knit. I was contemplating where my passion for helping others take charge of their thoughts, learning to love themselves for who they are and helping them to make their mark on the world had come from.

My thoughts took me back to high school, Grade 12 to be specific. Memories of playing my trumpet with the band outside a church at the memorial service of a young man who lost his life too soon. An empty chair placed in our row where he used to sit, his trumpet there, but he was not. I remember anger surfacing inside me and the struggle to hold back my tears as we played Michael Jackson's  "Heal the World", a song he completely detested.It all seemed so surreal.

 A beautiful life, a beautiful soul, he had much to give the world, yet he battled with the demons of anorexia. Unfortunately his heart stopped while he was in Brisbane, waiting to seek medical treatment for his condition.

This wasn't just a fellow band member. This young man held a place close to my heart a couple of years earlier. He was 2 years younger than I and my friends thought I was crazy for having feelings for someone younger. After all, he was in grade 8 and I was in grade 10. Lucky for me, succumbing to peer pressure never rated highly on my radar, as shy as I may have been, I didn't need the approval of others even then.

I recall a young guy who was funny, warm and cheeky, with gorgeous chocolate brown eyes,  who never ate at lunch breaks and was constantly obsessed with what he weighed. I knew it was unhealthy, I didn't know how to help.  I was just there with him, those few months of our short-lived high school relationship. He was the first guy I really slow danced with at a school social and I still remember the smell of boy sweat as we danced close together. Young, innocent, pure and  simple teenage romance.

There was a time that he was admitted to hospital in Brisbane for treatment and had been away for a significant period. It was around the same time the band had travelled down there to compete in an annual festival. He ran away from hospital for the day and came to watch us play in the Queen Street Mall. Band and music were important to him. I thought he was such a rebel, but it was heartwarming to see happiness in his eyes that day.

Upon us returning home, I approached one of my friends for his address at the hospital, as their families were close. I wrote him a letter. I had purchased a purple gel pen especially to pen my words on the Anne Geddes paper I had secretly taken from my mother's desk drawer. I wanted to reach out to him. I wanted to feel connected to him. I wanted him to know that he mattered, no matter what the status of our relationship. I wanted him to know people cared for him and he had a place in this world.

My rebellious mission was getting the letter to the post box without my mum knowing what I was up to. Quite a feat considering we lived out of town! Somehow I managed to make up an excuse one day to go downtown after school and post it. I was so nervous as I dropped it into the big red box.

When I heard the news of his passing those couple of years later, my heart sank. I was deeply saddened that he'd lost his fight for life. I secretly vowed and declared that the loss of his life would not be in vain. Since then I've had a strong desire to create a legacy in his honour to help others, to help make resources more readily available for those who need them in regional areas. I just didn't know how I would do it.

I realise now since walking my own path of life and completing my coaching studies, taking care of our mental health is such an important thing. Had he been afforded the opportunity of having these resources available to him, it may have given him the opportunity to work through the demons of his mind that were controlling his relationship to food.

So Nick, this post is dedicated to you. You are often in my thoughts and a small piece of my heart will always hold special memories of you. These memories bring a smile to my face. There have been many times where I've wondered if you are my guardian angel, somehow watching over me, protecting me, softening life's blows. As I continue on my journey of life, helping and guiding others whose paths cross mine, I'm  aware of a young life that was ended too soon. I use this to propel me through life on the down days, the tough times, the difficult times. Your memory lives on xxxxx

Breaking Up With My All or Nothing Mentality

This past week has been quite a turning point for me personally and professionally. Last week I wrote about having my shit together for the arrival of our baby. And yes physically speaking, I am prepared for his arrival. I have all the "things" needed to take care of him.

What I didn't realise was that my mental preparation wasn't quite where it needed to be. A conversation with a close friend and fellow coach woke me up to the fact that I was gripping rather tightly to an "all or nothing" mentality, after she rejected the invitation to my pity party (Do yourself a favour and find friends who can snap you out of your doom and gloom thinking, not join in with you!).

Somewhere along the lines I'd decided I could only be Mum or could only be a professional. And if I was Mum, it meant I had to do EVERYTHING on my own. I thought my business needed to get parked in the corner whilst I carried on being Mum of a newborn and an energetic 4 year old.

What a MASSIVE awakening to realise that I can do both.

For too long this "all or nothing" mentality has played the devil's advocate in my life. Not only was it affecting my current thinking; when I took a huge step back and took a bird's eye view, it was affecting almost EVERY aspect - my business, my health, my relationship, my parenting, my creativity, my wealth. I was placing so much pressure on myself.

When I say "all or nothing" what  I mean is I was either in there gung ho, pumped up with my heart's desire to achieve an outcome instantly. When I wasn't instantly gratified in pursuit of my feat it became nothing. I  stopped taking action.

The learning I've taken away from this is:

"how can I create consistency in the areas that are important to me right now?" 

Consistency is the key to unlock the doors that I had shut down on myself. Having the ability to take small bites of the pie regularly, rather than trying to shove the whole damn thing in my mouth in one go is the approach required.

Right now it's not about having it all, it's about creating a lifestyle that is sustainable and a fit for my family and I. It's not about turning up, leaving and taking a break at set times, working under pressure, meeting deadlines, working for someone else or having to jump because someone in a higher position told me to. I am me. I get to create my own way of doing things. I finally get it!

Acknowledging this has opened up so many possibilities. No longer am I thinking I can't have my business and a baby. Now I am thinking how can I keep my business ticking over while I am taking care of my baby.?

You all know that my passion is to help other mums adjust to motherhood. I can't just put a lid on that jar and shove it in the back of the pantry hoping I get to use it before its expiry date. My passion pulses through my veins just like my blood, it's there morning, noon and night, it excites me, it invigorates me and most of all it lights me up. I can't switch it on or off willy nilly, but I can let the flame continue to burn gently as I get through the first few months of being a Mum to two wonderful children.

The thing I find interesting, is when you are ready, the messages start to appear before you. My friend also passed on this article for me to read:
http://www.linkedin.com/today/post/article/20140423172238-6435-talented-women-please-do-not-quit?fb_action_ids=10151955477686580&fb_action_types=og.likes&fb_source=aggregation&fb_aggregation_id=288381481237582

It was like confirmation and the timing was impeccable. Do yourself a favour, grab a cuppa and allow 10 minutes to read it for yourself.

So how did I get to this point of epiphany and ideas exploding like fireworks in my mind? With the help of my friend, I was able to get my head out of my ass and stopped staring at the next 6 -9 months with gloom and doom; feeling all sorts of helpless and compiling my excuses list.

What she got me to do was take myself out to 5 years from now and take a look at what was happening for me in my business and my family. How did I want things to be? Who was I helping in my business? What was I doing during a normal day? Once I could see that, we stepped to 2 years from now and did the same thing and then lastly 6 months from now.

As we worked through, it became clear I could progress steadily towards my ultimate dream of establishing a perinatal wellness centre on the Capricorn Coast. A sancutary where mums can come to connect with other mums, a place where there is a midwife on hand to talk through any issues, a place that is serene and calming, a place that has yoga and meditation classes for mums, mothers groups and workshops and the possibilities continue to flow.

What hit me as well is that I don't need to wait a year or two years to bring this dream to fruition. I can start now. I can keep writing and sharing my message. I can record videos and write books and articles. I can enlist the help of other bloggers to guest post to give my readers something to read each week without there being pressure on me to have to write. I can embrace technology and begin to automate some aspects of my business. I can continue to grow and flourish by reading and educating myself. I can continue to coach and run workshops here and there. I can let the flame of my dream continue to burn. I can make a difference.