How to Autograph Curveballs

Sometimes in life, you're just cruising along, taking it easy, getting from A to B and then something happens to jolt you back to reality - a curveball is thrown in your path from left or right field you can't really tell because it all happens so quickly. This is exactly what I was faced with a few weeks back.

There I was, driving back into town from a meeting to pick up my daughter and do a few jobs before returning home for lunch and heading out together for an appointment. My plan didn't quite pan out that way however. The universe had other plans. It unleashed a driver on the same road at the same time as me.

A driver who was so focused on the love of her life being on the other side of the road, she wasn't looking where she was going and wasn't aware I was in front of her and that she needed to stop at the roundabout. There was a car in front of me and thankfully I didn't hit them.

As I was shunted from behind by the loved-up driver, the words "WTF" flew out of my mouth automatically. Somehow I managed to pull over safely and get out of the car to investigate the damage. In the scheme of things, a new tailgate on the car was a small price to pay. It could have been worse, much worse. After all Miss 4 has been telling us it's time for a new car, even though this one is not yet 12 months old!

I took myself off to the hospital to be checked out, just as a precaution. I felt fine, but wanted to make sure Baby Phillips was okay too. In accident & emergency I was cleared to go home. However I was due for my ante-natal appointment that afternoon and the midwife said she wanted to see me before I left.

When the A & E Nurse told me I could go, luckily I insisted on seeing the midwife! I was sent over to ante-natal and put on the CTG machine to be monitored for an hour. The CTG was picking up mild contractions, so I needed to stay and be monitored for 4 hours. A note to all the mums-to-be out there - any kind of car accident requires that you be monitored by CTG for at least a 3 hour period.

The contractions weren't painful. But they were regular - coming every 10 - 15 mins with intensity. As I lay there in the stark white room my mind started to wander down the "what if" path. Then I realised that I was playing scenarios through my mind that I didn't need to. I started focussing on the outcome of delivering a happy, healthy baby at full-term, as opposed to there and then at 31 weeks.

I remembered I had downloaded some relaxation music on my phone, so I pulled this out and started to play it. As I listened, I breathed deeply and focused on my desired outcome. Surprisingly enough, the contractions slowed down and then stopped altogether. Finally I was able to go home to my own bed. I was exhausted, yet pleased that I didn't need to be sent to the larger hospital in the area. I would go back the next morning just to check things were okay and if the contractions came back that night, I was to take myself to hospital immediately.

There were a few lessons learned that I'd like to share with you in the hope that when you're faced with a curveball situation, may help you get through a little easier:

• Not everything is about you, sometimes things just happen
• No matter how carefully you plan, there will always be obstacles in your path
• Take responsibility for you and your actions (it can be so easy to  blame others and go into 'victim' mode)
• Manage your mental state - focus on the outcome you want from the situation , rather than getting caught up in the drama of the moment
• Wherever you go, make sure you take some relaxation/meditation music because you never know when you may need it!
• If in doubt remember to breathe - DEEPLY
• 

Retiring My Control Freak

One of my biggest learnings so far has been learning about letting go of my need to control things. Having had a high need for certainty and security throughout my life, I don't particularly like surprises and haven't handled myself well when things don't go to plan. 

You've got to love how life's lessons, teach you that what you think you need is not really what you need after all. And if you don't learn the lesson the first time it's presented, you can bet your bottom dollar that the lesson will keep reappearing until you've learnt it good and proper!!

Yes, I am on the cryptic bus again. But allow me to explain. At the start of last year my partner and I sat down and had a discussion around bringing another child into our family. Was it something we wanted? Could we handle it? Would it be the best thing for our daughter? After many lengthy conversations, we decided that we would in fact "try" for another child. We would give ourselves until the end of the year. If we were pregnant by then great, if not, it wasn't meant to be and our family of 3 would surge forward on many more adventures.

Now the controlling side of me, definitely wanted another child. I thought about it constantly. And yet I became disappointed when my period arrived each month and I hadn't received the outcome I was expecting. I started to feel down about myself. Like I was good enough. Like I wasn't doing things "right". It was there constantly. Day and night. Consumed my thoughts.

A few months before our self-imposed deadline we were deep in conversation again one night. I revealed that the lack of a pregnancy had me feeling like a failure. And it was then that I had one of those enormous flash-of-bright-light epiphanies, that there was more to this whole thing than me and what I wanted.  Just because I wanted something didn't mean I was going to get it. Just because I had chosen the outcome I had wanted, didn't mean that it would arrive on a silver platter. I realised, it was so NOT about me. It was bigger than me. So after that, I turned my thinking to when and if this happens.

I sorted and packed the items of baby clothing, furniture and the multitude of items one collects when they have a baby and put them up for sale. We were moving house and I decided that I didn't want to move all that stuff! Funnily enough I only sold a couple of things

The universe works in mysterious ways. A couple of weeks after all of this, I found out I was in fact pregnant and we would welcome another member into our family. Maybe this was always going to be the way that things would happen. Maybe not. I've chosen to believe that me letting go of the need to have so much control somehow shifted whatever it was that had been blocking my path. 

When we hold on too tightly is when things seems to fall from our grasp. What are you holding onto too tightly right now that you could loosen your grip a little and focus your attention elsewhere?

High Flyer

Boarding a flight with a week-old baby was not something I had ever thought I would be doing. I also had never imagined that I would be travelling to the Royal Children’s Hospital to seek out treatment. But I was and we did. And we survived.

Getting on that plane, suitcases being loaded underneath, having no idea of how long we’d be away for, what would happen or what we were in for, was one of the scariest things I’ve done. My need for certainty was incredibly high and my anxiety levels were off the radar. It took a lot of deep breathing to remember that everything was going to be okay, that we would get through whatever was about to come our way.

The flight to Brisbane went by without a hitch. I was able to feed our girl during take-off and landing. No crying baby here. Only a mum who suddenly realised that everything she did was now on show, judged and that her most private anatomy was no longer her own. Breasts that had a mind of their own and were producing milk like there was no tomorrow to keep up with the demand of a newborn. The human body really is amazing. It always knows what to do and when to do it. We get into trouble when we overthink and overanalyse things. Sometimes you just need to let things be.

We checked in at the hospital for our appointment and were sent upstairs for an ultrasound of our girl’s hip. As we navigated our way through the corridors, I soon realised how lucky we were. It was heartbreaking to see other children who were much worse off than our little girl. We started to think that things were going to be okay. We were going to make it.

In the ultrasound room, we got chatting with the sonographer and told them about the experience we’d had in the other hospital. They kindly advised us that the bones of babies can’t be seen by xray until they are about 6 months old. WTF! I started to wonder why we had gone through what we had back there and was incredibly relieved to know that we were somewhere that knew what they were doing.

After meeting the orthopaedic doctor, he checked her out and consulted the ultrasound images. He confirmed that her right hip was dislocated. He told us that it is quite common in breech babies, female babies and first-borns. Yep, we had the hatrick! Treatment is usually a brace fitted on the body to hold the baby’s legs abducted while the ball joint grows into the hip socket for a period of 3 – 6 months. My partner and I looked at each other, bewildered at the simplicity of the treatment, yet overwhelmed with the brace the doctor had just produced from nowhere.

The brace was fitted there and then and suddenly our baby was a boxed package. Picking her up for the first time it was like picking up a robot and trying to cuddle it. It was awkward. Where was our baby! Newborn nappies no longer fit. We had to be careful about the outfits we chose for her to wear. She couldn’t wear skirts or pants or dresses. Thank goodness for wondersuits! That was it, we could go home. “Come back in a month” the doctor told us, “we’ll change the brace because she will grow”. 

Off we went back to the airport. I was exhausted, mentally, physically and emotionally. I was going through the security scanner carrying our girl and we kept setting the alarm off. Finally it dawned on me that her brace had metal in it and that’s what was setting the alarms off.

Back home that night, the wheels started to fall off. My breasts were so sore and tender from the constant feeding, my nipples had started to bleed and the ends of them were hanging on for dear life. I hadn’t heard about nipple cream and definitely hadn’t read about any of this in the pregnancy books! I sat on the edge of our bed tears streaming down my face, in so much pain, feeling helpless, that I had a crying baby depending on me for food and the one way I had of getting that to her was failing. I hadn’t brought formula, because my rules said that I was going to breast feed. I hadn’t brought a breast pump, because honestly I had no idea about them. Somehow I managed to get through the night.

The next morning, my partner had me on the doorstep of the shops as soon as they opened. We left laden with formula, nipple cream, baby bottles and a breast pump. Looking back now, I wonder why I wasn’t more prepared. Obviously I had no idea of what I could have been in for and no one ever mentioned to have these things on hand ….. just in case.

I’ve come to realise that in life it’s healthy to have more than one way to reach an outcome, more than one way to fulfil a need.  Someone wise once said to me “If you only have one way to reach an outcome, you’re screwed”. You’ve got to have options, more than one way to get to where you are going. Because sometimes you don’t know what you need until you need it.

How Flexible is Your Behaviour?

One of the principles of success is to have behavioural flexibility. It's been said that the person with the most behavioural flexibility will control the situation.

What on earth is behavioural flexibility I hear you ask? The meaning I give it  is the ability to adapt behaviourally  to any given situation, to choose one's response and to manage one's state in a way that we remain at cause. Wowsers, that's a big one!

The simplified definition is being the best you can be in any given situation, realising that we all create our own reality and adapting accordingly to each situation to get the best outcome for all involved.

Take for example the fact that in my current job we lost our computers Friday lunchtime. They're still not back. The ETA for having them fixed is a week away. Pretty tough gig for a travel agent. How do you book holidays when everything these days is done on the computer? Well, you can't really. But you can find someone else who can help you do it!

We live in an age where we have more resources at our fingertips than we care to use. It's about  those resources, calling in favours, thinking outside of the box and even getting rid of the box. It's about working out which doors will open when it seems that no others will. It's about managing your emotions and your state and remembering there is a solution and just because it's not jumping out immediately, that there is a way. There is always a way.

It's about remembering that it's not just about you. It's about taking into consideration the other person and how they can be affected.  It's about considering the options from all different angles. Realising that there is more than one way of reaching your outcome. That the one way you always rely on may not always be there. Having alternatives is a good thing. It gives you choice. It gives your flexibility. It gives you nimbleness.

At the end of the day, it's not about you. It's not about your ego or how you feel. It's about being flexible enough to get a great outcome for all involved.