Searching for Answers & Seeking Clarity

Riddle me this and riddle me that (sorry there are no black cats about today!) ..... why is it frowned upon to talk about how we are really feeling? Why is mental health a touchy and almost taboo subject? Why do we feel the need to push our feelings down, like they don't matter?

I'm really curious to know the answers or to at least open up a discussion around these questions. Let's take this question by question, throw in some dialogue, perhaps provoke some deeper level thinking and discussion.

Why is it frowned upon to talk about how we are really feeling?
We learn from a young age to answer the question of "How are you?" with the obligatory "Ok". Even when we don't feel that way (how does ok feel anyhow?).

It's like we don't allow ourselves to really express our true feelings. And so begins the societal habit of masking. The thinking that we don't matter and our feelings aren't important. I'm aware that there are people who do offer up how they're feeling and are often seen to be complaining. That's a whole other kettle of fish.

What if we could live in a world where we're able to communicate openly how we feel, knowing that our feelings are our own, and we're totally responsible for them? That if someone offers to tell us how they're feeling, we don't need to fix them. They are whole and complete, doing the best they can. And to thank them for sharing their genuine feelings with us. For this to be the norm.

I don't know, it's just a thought. Perhaps it would reduce the amount of stress and anxiety experienced in our worlds. Or not.


Why is mental health a touchy and almost taboo subject?
So this one is a big 'un for me. I didn't even realise until my mid to late 20's that I had control over what went on in my mind let alone really understand the term of mental health.

My question is this, why is taking care of our mental health not something that is taught freely in our education systems or even in our homes? Looking after ourselves mentally is just as important as our physical and emotional well-being. Mental health doesn't get enough air time. Or if it does, it's the extremities.

My school of thought is if we're able to talk openly about how we feel (refer to the first question) that this would reduce stress and anxiety levels, that on the whole we'd feel more accepted and part of the tribe and many people would be a lot happier.

There's so much more to mental health than meets the eye.


Why do we feel the need to push our feelings down, like they don't matter?
We have feelings for a reason. We're human. We see, we touch, we listen, we speak and we feel. Our feelings are our feelings. They are real and genuine and they are ours. There's no right nor wrong way to feel something.

Feelings are our body's way of communicating with us. I'm someone who feels a LOT. That's why I fell in love with Danielle La Porte when I discovered her a few years ago. She asks the question "how do you want to feel?". Realising I had a choice in how I wanted to feel, was like opening a whole new world.

Feelings matter. A lot. They are the guiding light in our lives.  We as humans matter.

Maybe one day we'll be better equipped to have deeper, more meaningful conversations with each other. To be able to speak our truth in a way that is seen as normal. To open the doors of open communication. To remove judgement, fear and doubt.

Until then, we're all a work in progress. Perhaps we can start to generate a movement whereby when someone says "I'm okay", we don't just brush the comment and move onto the next topic of conversation. Maybe we look them in the eye and ask "How are you really?" Who knows what may come from that?

Is It Me Or Are We Stuck on Achievement Autopilot?

Standing at the sink doing the dishes this morning, I was having a fantastic reflective conversation with the voices in my head (yes, this is fairly "normal"for me :)) I was thinking about my achievement of having published my first e-book, as I wrote about last week, and I noticed a tug of disappointment or heaviness, almost dread around that. Have you ever felt that after accomplishing something really big?

As I explored this a little deeper, it got me thinking - our society is so driven on the number-based outcome of so many situations rather than placing any focus or importance on who we are or how we're feeling whilst we're in the process of doing. So much focus gets placed on the end result, not the journey or the learnings that occurred along the way. We become drones of doing, factory workers lined up in the production line rather than choosing the way we want to feel or who we want to be in the process of "doing".

For me, this realisation came the other day when I was chatting with a friend and she asked me how many books I'd sold. I hung my head as I said "3". There and then I felt disappointed. Ego stepped in and overpowered the feelings and the journey I'd been on. I allowed ego to undermine my achievement. I was focussing on the number-driven result, the end of the production line.

While there at the sink this morning with my hands immersed in the warm soapy water, listening to the rain as it pelted down gently on the tin roof, I had a lightbulb moment - I didn't write the book for the purpose of selling millions of copies. I didn't set myself a set of KPI's to achieve or to show that my book writing was a success. My book didn't come off some production line. It came purely from my heart, my passion and my personal experience.

I wrote the book because I felt that I had a story to share, a story that may help others, a message that will resonate with a select few and not huge throngs of people and I'm cool with that. My intention for writing  was to allow other mums who may be struggling to realise that they're not alone, that things do get better and to share this passion on paper.

Then I got to thinking about Danielle La Porte's "The Desire Map" (a book and program incredibly close to my heart and something that's flipped my achievement autopilot on its head). She talks about having goals with soul, about taking the time to actually think about how you want to feel. I reflected back to when I started writing, I wanted to feel connected, passionate and honest. They were my 3 things and I achieved those.

Am I where I want to be with the message I have to share? No, not yet. I've realised that Mojo for Mummas is a work in progress. There is so much more to this than me sharing my story. And as I mentioned last week, I have been out there running workshops, yes with intimate numbers. However I believe this is the best way to deliver my message for now. Mums are comfortable in small groups, heartfelt conversations are had, discussions are started and Mums get the opportunity to open up and share a piece of their story in a safe, judgement-free place. That's what makes my heart sing. That's what success and achievement are for me. There's an online program, there's a workbook on the way - there is so much more to come, the book has been the tip of the iceberg. The beginning.

Therefore the achievement of writing and publishing has been the starting point, without that I have no where to go. Who knows I may only ever sell 3 copies or there may be 3 million mums out there who resonate with my message, if I give into ego now, I will never know what I am capable of. I choose to continue the journey, coming from my heart, showing my vulnerability and most of all allowing the "real" me to show up.

 This week I want to leave you to ponder over a few simple questions:,
* where in your life have you been on achievement autopilot recently?
* How are you feeling about that?
* What could you choose to focus on rather than the number-based outcome?

I'd love to see your comments. Have a sensational week!

Creating the future with our children

There have been a lot of changes in our household the past few months. Not only has the physical location of our home changed, but the make up and the running of it have also. My partner has a new job where he's working mainly nights, meaning that Miss 4 and I are home together during the evenings.

Ladies - if you're partner works away and you have to go days on end without contact and/or conversation with your partner, my hat well and truly goes off to you.

Those few hours at the end of a long day, seem to be the toughest in our household. (It could have something to do with the way I've been choosing to look at it!) However, it's here that the arguments start for us.

I ask Miss 4 to do something, she refuses. I ask again. She refuses again. I raise my voice a little and ask again. She still refuses. I raise my voice even more and she still refuses.... you get the picture right. This has been going back and forth to the point of escalation resulting in yelling from both of us.

This seems to happen on those nights when my day has been so long and I've had clients with me all day. Where my head is aching and my back is killing. The nights where I just want to zone out and do my own thing. Then I remember, I am a mum, with a child who needs to be bathed, fed and put to bed and so we continue in the rut we've created for ourselves.

The same thing happened this morning. So I sent us both for time out. Her in her room. Me in my office. After 5 minutes we came together, and I asked her if she wanted to talk about what had happened. She said no. I asked her if she'd like to draw a picture of how she was feeling when we were arguing. She was happy to do this.

Off she went and drew her picture and came back to me. I started asking her some questions like "how was she feeling?",  "how did she know it was time to get cranky?", "what did I say/do that she knew to be cranky". She was able to give me short answers.

I then drew how I was feeling when we were arguing. I drew frustrated. I then got her to ask me some questions like I'd asked her. We were able to understand how the other got to the point of yelling because for me it was having to ask over and over again and for her it was the rising tone of my voice.

Then we both drew and talked about how we wanted to feel instead. This was an incredibly powerful interaction. Those of you who know me, know that I am  passionate about Danielle La Porte's "The Desire Map". In her book Danielle talks about deciding how you want to feel rather than setting goals for the sake of ticking a box and getting more stuff.

The cherry on the cake came a little while ago when she walked into my office with our pictures from this morning asking if we could talk more about what we had drawn. I asked if she wanted to talk about the same things, she said "No, I want to talk about other feelings like excited and surprised".  There were tears of pride in my eyes as she said this.

Our children are the future. One day they will be leading our country and making the decisions that will affect us in our old age. Teaching them how to communicate and more importantly how to express themselves, identify feelings and be empathetic towards others are key in their development into healthy adults. As a parent, we are our children's biggest role models and most powerful influencers. I encourage you to realise what a precious honour this is and urge you to nurture this with your children at every opportunity.