If your children are young you’ve probably
got routines for everything. Sleeping, eating, pooping, cleaning, dressing,
toilet training, bathing, comforting, soothing. As they get older add in
soothing boo boos, being a taxi service, school volunteering, reasoning,
disciplining, medical & dental care, socialisation, birthday parties,
family time, formal education, sporting commitments … the list is endless.
The commitment you take on financially, socially,
emotionally, physically and psychologically is positively astronomical! Day
after day, week after week, year after year. And when you have multiple
children you can multiply the load you carry. Add in children with special
needs and the feelings of overwhelm can skyrocket!
If that’s not enough, you get bombarded
multiple times a day by unsolicited opinions about how you “should” be doing
things. From family, friends, acquaintances, school parents, sporting parents,
teachers, doctors, other professionals … even the media.
Is it any wonder most parents feel like
they’re heads will explode any minute!
But you keep going, putting one foot in
front of the other, because you made a very strong commitment to those little
people you gave birth to. You love them, no matter what, and you would go to
the ends of the earth for them, even if it meant to go without ourself. Right?
(I can hear the chorus of “yeses” from here!)
Most parents know that all learning
experiences begin with babies exploring the world around them. They respond to energy;
angry vibes, sad vibes, happy vibes. They learn by watching. As they grow, if
we get angry, so do they. If we allow others to treat us disrespectfully, so do
they. If we fail to care for ourselves, so do they.
For this reason, literally and figuratively, the
greatest gift you can give your children, is a parent who takes care of him or
herself.
When you prioritise your own self-care they
learn,
·
That you are worth being taken
care of,
·
That they are worth being
taken care of. Simply from watching your example, they know that allowing
others to treat them disrespectfully is hurtful, and they are much less likely
to allow themselves to be taken advantage of,
·
The value of boundaries,
·
The value of waiting,
·
To stand up for themselves,
·
To listen to their heartsong.
They also receive a much more peaceful,
loving and happy environment to live in. Simply because you will be much more peaceful, loving and happy to be around. And
since they pick up and reflect your vibes, they in turn will be much more
peaceful, loving and happy. It really is a win-win for everyone.
The core message here is this: Self-care is not selfish. It is essential!
Now that you have the message, you may be
wondering how you start the process of taking care of you, especially if you haven’t done it in years. The greatest tip I
can give you is to start small, take it slow and build it up gradually. If you
haven’t done it in so long that you forgot how, it will likely feel foreign to
you for a while. And if your kids aren’t used to seeing you do it, you might
get some objections to it (especially if it takes attention away from them).
You need to be able to prepare yourself for those objections and plan how you
can deal with some of the emotions that come up as a result (guilt being a big
one). If you feel bad about taking time out for you, consider talking with a
trusted friend or counsellor/psychologist to help you process some of those
emotions.
To begin with, you might try some of these
strategies:
1.
Schedule some time for yourself
on a daily basis. If you’re not used to taking it, start with just 5 minutes of
uninterrupted time and build up from there. If you start small it will be easier
to fit into your schedule and it won’t feel so alien.
2.
As you build up the time, try
exploring new things. Places, activities. Experiment with what you do and don’t
like (only one way to find out!)
3.
Remind yourself regularly why
you are doing this. By taking time out for you, you’re not depriving them of
your attention. You are ultimately providing your kids with a better parent.
4.
Get in touch with your values. Values
underpin everything we do, so getting clear on them will help support your
position.
5.
Self-care doesn’t need to be
expensive. It can be as simple as sitting in the park communing with nature or going
for a 10 minute walk to clear your head.
6.
Schedule play dates with other
mum’s in your area. By setting up a “club”, the kids get to work on their
social skills and you get some time out. Rotate this routine so you each get a
break. And remember, sometimes the self-care comes down to adult conversation.
The kids can play while the adults work on their
social skills!
7.
Remind yourself that you don’t
have to do it all. The old adage, “it takes a village to raise a child” is
true. Call on the support of the people around you. And if you feel isolated,
try reaching out to local services. Some will have play groups or support
groups where you can meet other parents and create friendships. This is
especially important if you have kids with special needs. Carers organisations can be
particularly helpful in this case. There is one in every state of Australia.
Ali Bengough is currently studying her Masters degree in Applied
Psychology at the University of Queensland. She has been working as a
counsellor for ten years and loves what she does. She is passionate about
helping people find their purpose and overcome the barriers that hold them back
from living their dreams. She blogs over at The Mindset Effect, where she
writes about anything related to the way we think and feel. This is
complimented by a Facebook
page and Twitter account.
She loves to hear from her readers and welcomes feedback on what they would
value reading about. When she graduates, Ali plans to use her blog to launch
her business, creating a comprehensive site offering a variety of individual
sessions, group workshops, online programs and other resources. She is
currently in the process of writing her first book; a small, easy to understand
guide on how to stop taking on issues that belong to other people.
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