Creating the future with our children

There have been a lot of changes in our household the past few months. Not only has the physical location of our home changed, but the make up and the running of it have also. My partner has a new job where he's working mainly nights, meaning that Miss 4 and I are home together during the evenings.

Ladies - if you're partner works away and you have to go days on end without contact and/or conversation with your partner, my hat well and truly goes off to you.

Those few hours at the end of a long day, seem to be the toughest in our household. (It could have something to do with the way I've been choosing to look at it!) However, it's here that the arguments start for us.

I ask Miss 4 to do something, she refuses. I ask again. She refuses again. I raise my voice a little and ask again. She still refuses. I raise my voice even more and she still refuses.... you get the picture right. This has been going back and forth to the point of escalation resulting in yelling from both of us.

This seems to happen on those nights when my day has been so long and I've had clients with me all day. Where my head is aching and my back is killing. The nights where I just want to zone out and do my own thing. Then I remember, I am a mum, with a child who needs to be bathed, fed and put to bed and so we continue in the rut we've created for ourselves.

The same thing happened this morning. So I sent us both for time out. Her in her room. Me in my office. After 5 minutes we came together, and I asked her if she wanted to talk about what had happened. She said no. I asked her if she'd like to draw a picture of how she was feeling when we were arguing. She was happy to do this.

Off she went and drew her picture and came back to me. I started asking her some questions like "how was she feeling?",  "how did she know it was time to get cranky?", "what did I say/do that she knew to be cranky". She was able to give me short answers.

I then drew how I was feeling when we were arguing. I drew frustrated. I then got her to ask me some questions like I'd asked her. We were able to understand how the other got to the point of yelling because for me it was having to ask over and over again and for her it was the rising tone of my voice.

Then we both drew and talked about how we wanted to feel instead. This was an incredibly powerful interaction. Those of you who know me, know that I am  passionate about Danielle La Porte's "The Desire Map". In her book Danielle talks about deciding how you want to feel rather than setting goals for the sake of ticking a box and getting more stuff.

The cherry on the cake came a little while ago when she walked into my office with our pictures from this morning asking if we could talk more about what we had drawn. I asked if she wanted to talk about the same things, she said "No, I want to talk about other feelings like excited and surprised".  There were tears of pride in my eyes as she said this.

Our children are the future. One day they will be leading our country and making the decisions that will affect us in our old age. Teaching them how to communicate and more importantly how to express themselves, identify feelings and be empathetic towards others are key in their development into healthy adults. As a parent, we are our children's biggest role models and most powerful influencers. I encourage you to realise what a precious honour this is and urge you to nurture this with your children at every opportunity.

Retiring My Control Freak

One of my biggest learnings so far has been learning about letting go of my need to control things. Having had a high need for certainty and security throughout my life, I don't particularly like surprises and haven't handled myself well when things don't go to plan. 

You've got to love how life's lessons, teach you that what you think you need is not really what you need after all. And if you don't learn the lesson the first time it's presented, you can bet your bottom dollar that the lesson will keep reappearing until you've learnt it good and proper!!

Yes, I am on the cryptic bus again. But allow me to explain. At the start of last year my partner and I sat down and had a discussion around bringing another child into our family. Was it something we wanted? Could we handle it? Would it be the best thing for our daughter? After many lengthy conversations, we decided that we would in fact "try" for another child. We would give ourselves until the end of the year. If we were pregnant by then great, if not, it wasn't meant to be and our family of 3 would surge forward on many more adventures.

Now the controlling side of me, definitely wanted another child. I thought about it constantly. And yet I became disappointed when my period arrived each month and I hadn't received the outcome I was expecting. I started to feel down about myself. Like I was good enough. Like I wasn't doing things "right". It was there constantly. Day and night. Consumed my thoughts.

A few months before our self-imposed deadline we were deep in conversation again one night. I revealed that the lack of a pregnancy had me feeling like a failure. And it was then that I had one of those enormous flash-of-bright-light epiphanies, that there was more to this whole thing than me and what I wanted.  Just because I wanted something didn't mean I was going to get it. Just because I had chosen the outcome I had wanted, didn't mean that it would arrive on a silver platter. I realised, it was so NOT about me. It was bigger than me. So after that, I turned my thinking to when and if this happens.

I sorted and packed the items of baby clothing, furniture and the multitude of items one collects when they have a baby and put them up for sale. We were moving house and I decided that I didn't want to move all that stuff! Funnily enough I only sold a couple of things

The universe works in mysterious ways. A couple of weeks after all of this, I found out I was in fact pregnant and we would welcome another member into our family. Maybe this was always going to be the way that things would happen. Maybe not. I've chosen to believe that me letting go of the need to have so much control somehow shifted whatever it was that had been blocking my path. 

When we hold on too tightly is when things seems to fall from our grasp. What are you holding onto too tightly right now that you could loosen your grip a little and focus your attention elsewhere?

My Vulnerability Hangover

As you are no doubt aware, last year I wrote several posts about my motherhood journey, sharing the highs the lows, the dramas the delights. It was an incredibly releasing experience for me. It allowed me to let go of so much of the emotional baggage I’d been carrying around for the past 4 years.

Telling my story allowed me to let go. It created space for me to move forward. But it’s also left me feeling like I’d opened myself wide up to the world and now I am bearing the brunt of a vulnerability hangover.

For those of you familiar with Brene Brown’s work, you will know exactly what I am referring to. For those who haven’t had the privilege of hearing this incredible woman speak, take a few minutes to check her out here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o

You see, I felt like I shared too much. And in a way there’s a sense of shame associated with my story. Because it didn’t pan out the way I wanted it to. I felt like I had bared my soul to the cyber world and have no idea who has read my story or who knows the details of what I had shared. I don’t even really know if anyone else related to it or if it struck nerves or chords with those who read the posts.

I’ve been in a bit of a daze the past couple of months, mainly because so much has been happening in my personal life (and yes I will no doubt share the details with you in my coming posts) but also because I am not sure if my message was received and how it was received. Or if you the one reading this thinks I am a complete nutter?

We never really know what others think of us and we don’t need to. The reason I shared my story in the first place was to not only let go of the emotional baggage I’d been trudging around with, but to let others know that it’s okay to have a ‘less-than-perfect” approach to life  and that it happens with its twists and turns. It’s how you handle yourself in the fallout. It’s how you pick yourself up again and rebuild the pieces, even stronger than before. It’s the lessons we learn that form the beautiful patchwork quilt we make ourselves during our lifetime. I wanted others to know that it’s okay to reach out and share experiences.

And the more I’ve thought about this over the past few days, my reaction has been typical of what society has moulded us to be. Don’t share too much. Don’t be too honest. Don’t open up too much. I realise also that I had once again fallen in the trap of feeling as though there was some sort of standard I should be complying to, rather than just being me.

Stepping back, I gently reminded myself that there’s only one of me. I am unique and individual, as are you. We each have our own stories, tales that have melded, moulded and shaped us into who we are today. And for that, we should be proud. I have declared that it’s okay for me to be me and for me to share my story. It will resonate with some and others will think I’m a dick, and that’s totally cool.

But you know what, if what I share just helps one other person and begins a ripple effect in their life and helps them turn themselves around, rediscover who they really are before the world told them who they were meant to be, then I have made a contribution towards making the world a better place. I urge you to be the real, authentic you – that’s exactly who the world needs right now!