Imagine my shock horror when my daughter arrived into the world in a way that I had not planned for at all! I'd had the perfect pregnancy, my waters even broke at 10 past midnight on her due date. All perfectly going to plan! Up until I got to the stage of actual delivery. Modern medicine somehow missed the fact that our girl was upside down and in fact in breech until I was in 2nd stage of labour!
What came next was something I had not planned nor prepared for .... an emergency c-section. Immediately I told myself I had failed as a mother because having a c-section was not on my list of perfect mother qualities. Uh oh. Yep you can see it coming a mile away! I took one little event that I had no control over and turned it into a hundred thousand times worse than it was.
That moment where I chose to take on that meaning of that situation was my downfall. I can say that now because looking back everything is so much clearer than it was in the haze of emotions and hormones. There began my downward spiral. I loved my daughter from the get go. But I didn't love being a mother. I didn't enjoy being at home with her on my own, not knowing how to soothe her cries, existing on a lack of sleep, not knowing if I was doing the right thing. Heaven help me, life was so much easier when I was working. I knew when I was and wasn't doing a good job, I had instant feedback from all angles to let me know that.
I decided to head back to work... part time... then full time ... then took on the role of the Manager .... then nearly had a break down because I could no longer be everything to everybody... then I went part time again .... 4 days a week.... because I had discovered that looking after myself I could see things more clearly, keep my feelings and emotions on a more even keel, be happy with myself, my relationship, enjoy time with my daughter, spend time with friends, study again. I had options and choice again. The fog was lifting......... and lifting ... and lifting .... and it still is.
This month I cut my workload down even further to spend more time with my gorgeous girl who never ceases to amaze me with her intelligence, her beauty, her passion and enthusiasm for life. To have her in my days and us sharing and creating memories together, having fun, laughing, being silly and giggling over nothing. I have also done this so that I can put more energy into building my business helping others to rediscover and reignite their passion and find their purpose in life. Because that's where my passion now lies.
Once upon a time, my identity was tied up in my job and what I did. Now my identity is tied up in who I am and who I am becoming and who else I can help shine. The message I wanted to send with this post is, if something isn't working for you, don't be afraid to change it and to keep changing it until you get it right. Until you know in your heart that it's right for you and those closest to you. Sometimes life keeps presenting us with the same lessons and it can take a few attempts to get the message that is being sent to us.
At the end of the day, we only get one shot at this thing called life and we may as well enjoy it and make the most of it while we're here!
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