Feeling Like a Square Peg in a Round Hole

It's been funny week. Funny in the sense of strange not the ha ha type. Actually, if  I am honest, this feeling has been hanging around for a while. There's a part of my identity that is still adjusting to life as a mother of two. And it's more than that. Once again, I am struggling to find my place in the world and that's where the feeling of uneasiness stems from.

I've come to the conclusion that in life you never really have it altogether. There's always something out of whack or slightly amiss. For me at the  moment, it's my connection to the outside world. I'm well aware that my identity changed when I became a mum for the first time. What I wasn't expecting that it would happen again. Although as I am writing this, it's all beginning to make sense and things are becoming clearer (the power of writing your thoughts down!).

You see the dynamics have changed yet again. We've gone from a family of 3 to a family of 4. I now have 2 gorgeous children dependent on me to love, nurture, educate, co-ordinate schedules, feed, clothe and shelter. Little Miss 5 has gone from being an only child, having both parents all to herself to now having to share us and quite often having to wait when she's seeking our attention.

Perhaps you're reading this and thinking "well what did you think was going to happen when you added another child to the family?". To be perfectly honest, I didn't put too much thought into it. I just thought that Little Mister would fit in and go with the flow. And for the most part, he does such a beautiful job of that. Half the time you wouldn't even know he was here.

Where I could have invested some time and thought was into how I would feel and cope as a parent of two children after being a parent to one child for almost 5 years. How would I cope with the feelings of guilt when the older child needs me, yet the younger one is attached to me for what seems like the umpteenth time that day? How would I feel having even less time for myself than I did before, yet my mind is constantly ticking away with thoughts and random ideas of things to write about, things to share with the world and things I can create to help other parents? How would my relationship with my significant other be impacted by having an extra family member, hence extra responsibility resulting in even less quality time together? The questions could continue, but I shall stop with these few.

Even if my time had been invested in pondering the answers to the questions, I don't think it would have eased the situation any. What has helped me this far has been my mindset and approach to what's been going on. Learning to be in flow, taking life moment by moment, recognising that "this too shall pass", seeking out advice from other parents who have more than one child have all helped.

Where the isolation has set in recently, is when I am with a group of mums and the conversation seems to constantly revolves around the latest achievements of our gorgeous cherubs. While it's great to be able to compare notes and seek advice for the challenges that crop up along the way, I quite often walk away feeling flat and depleted. (Part of this is an added bonus of being an introvert where being in large groups drains me of my energy and I need alone time to regroup and recharge).

Perhaps it's selfish to want a little something for me - a stimulating conversation, a discussion, posing questions and sifting through the possible answers, to talk about something more meaningful, that lights me up and ignites a fire in my belly. After all, the majority of the rest of my time is taken up focused on the little people in my life. Is it wrong to want a little something for me? Perhaps I am the misfit - the square peg so desperately wanting to drive itself into a round hole, to fit in and be accepted (yet I know it's okay to not be a cookie cutter version of me). Surely I am not on my own here though am I?