Back in the Driver's Seat

Being back at work two days a week was wonderful. I felt like I had really come home. I was back in the place that was so familiar, comfortable and safe. I never knew what each day would bring, but I knew that I had the skills to deal with whatever happened. In moments of reflection I’ve often wondered why I didn’t apply the same principles to motherhood, wondered why I didn’t trust myself more than I did, that I actually knew what I was doing.

I loved being back with people, my teammates, my clients, being busy with a purpose and putting money in the bank to boot. My confidence was coming back. I felt more certain and more sure of myself than I had in the longest time. I was back where I thought I was meant to be. Grandparents and baby were happy as they shared the two days together. Most of all I was happy to be contributing again.

A couple of months in and my old role of team leader became vacant. There was a tugging feeling from within as I explored the idea of returning to that position. This place felt like my own. I had been there since the day the doors opened. I was the only one still there 2 years on. I felt a sense of responsibility and no one else was putting up their hand to take the reins, so I did.

Two days a week to five days a week was a massive step. I had talked it over with my partner and decided it was worth a shot. We quickly sourced family day care 2 days a week and let the 2 sets of grandparents take care of the other 3 days along with my partner. We had a plan.

The next 18 months were one massive rollercoaster. The first few months were exciting and new. I loved being back in my old position, working with my team and helping them grow individually to help them become better consultants and sharing my knowledge. I had a fantastic Area Leader who inspired me. He had a way with people that I’d never witnessed before. He was able to ask questions in a way that lit people up so openly. 

One day I asked him what his secret was. He looked at me quizzically at first. I said “how is it that people are so open and honest, what are you doing?” He said he’d done some coaching training. It was my turn to look quizzical because my pride didn’t allow me to ask more questions at this stage.

So I turned to my good old friend Google and started researching this “coaching” thing. The more I saw of it, the more I liked it. I’d always loved helping people. My grade 1 teacher, Mrs Hansen had nicknamed me the mother hen of the class. I was always finishing my work first and then going back and helping the slower kids to get it done. This was a quality I had carried through life. I will be honest; it’s not always something I’ve done resourcefully.

I managed to find one particular coaching school that really resonated with me and requested their information pack. The day it arrived, I was so excited. I read everything from front to back and had decided that I really wanted to do this. Then I remembered I was working around 50 hours a week with a small child and a partner. So I tossed everything into the drawer of my bedside table.

As the months went on, we got a new Area Leader; and boy was she so different. Suddenly we weren’t about the people anymore, we were about how many enquiries we had taken, how many bookings we had made, how much money had been made for the day. I had met my polar opposite.

About 12 months in I began to realise that I wasn’t coping very well with the whole “super mum” game I had been playing. I was constantly on edge. The shallow breathing and anxiety had returned. I was often in tears at the drop of a hat. I felt guilty for being at work so many hours of the day, so I would take it home with me at night to do it then and then felt guilty for not being there for my daughter.

Then there were the middle of the night phone calls from our Assist team because one of our clients was stuck in an airport in the middle of God-knows-where and I needed to make a decision there and then in a bleary state to get them home at the least cost to the store. This was especially fun during Christmas and New Year.

There was a day I finally cracked. One of the staff told me she couldn’t talk to me and she was getting a mediator.  Wtf? I couldn’t believe it. She and I had never gotten along well. I had a massive conversation with my burly Area Leader and told her I wasn’t coping and asked what my options were. She wasn’t a mum, and she didn’t understand any of the guilt I felt. We had our mediation and I then left work for the day.

Again, I was in that place where the walls were crashing down around me and I felt as though I was spiralling out of control. I didn’t know where to turn. So I called my doctor and went and saw her. Like history repeating itself, she pulled out the depression questionnaire and had me answer it. Again I rated very high in the “depressed” category. I left with a script, a psychologist’s referral and a note for 2 weeks of stress leave.

During the 2 weeks, I gained a lot of clarity. What I was doing wasn’t working for me or for my family. I would reduce the number of days I worked to 4, a slight pay cut, but it was worth it. I also made a decision that I would begin my Certificate IV in Life Coaching studies. I went back to work and this lasted about 4 months.

There are always turning points, pivotal moments where you can take the red pill or the blue pill. I remember the phone call with my Area Leader, I’d called her to know I’d received someone’s resignation. Her comment back to me was that I was the reason people were leaving. I knew this wasn’t the case. 

This business had had my blood, sweat and tears and I had little to show for it. I always put it above myself and my family’s needs. I told her that I could no longer fulfil the role and she needed to find someone who was capable of fulfilling the demands she required.

In that moment I was strong. I was clear and I knew what I wanted. I knew I wasn’t going to tolerate any more crap or be responsible for something so much bigger than me. I didn’t need to rescue or save the business; it would take care of itself. It was time for me to put myself and my family first. I had no idea who I was anymore when I looked in the mirror. I was exhausted – mentally, physically and emotionally. I had no idea what fun was or even how to take a joke. The toll those 18 months took on my life was phenomenal. How my partner is still with me today remains a mystery. Full credit goes to him for being so wonderfully supportive and picking up the pieces in the path of my destruction.