Diffusing the Drama Cycle

At some point in our lives we've all been in a drama cycle. You may even have friends who come with their own "drama queen" tags. You know the ones that every time you see them, something huge has happened and this person did such and such to so and so and now his wife found out about it and they can't believe that this happened. You know the ones right? And the more often they share the story the more outrageous it becomes? We all know of someone who thrives on drama.

I will let you in on a secret though, once you know the 3 key elements required for drama to happen and you understand that you can diffuse it by not playing your usual role, life will take on a much more even keel. I remember at my coaching training Joe Pane was telling us his wife fulfills her need for drama at 4.30pm on a weekday afternoon on Channel 10. I had a little giggle to myself, because I knew the show he was talking about. However at the time, drama was playing a big role in my life and I had been completely unaware of the impact it was having. Now my need is filled at 7pm on channel 7 on a weeknight - I can't help myself, it's something I've watched since I was a kid.

The thing was, I never realised I was addicted to drama until I heard Joe talking about it. Suddenly everything made sense. He talked about the 3 roles being the victim, the agressor and the rescuer. I will now add a 4th role, which is that of the observer - the one who watches from a distance but doesn't get involved.

The realisation that I was continually playing the role of the rescuer in my family's drama was like being hit in the face with one big, cold, wet, smelly fish. During my lifetime I thought drama was normal and natural. That I was put on this earth to be the saviour. I could fix things and make things right again. I could get everyone to make peace. Or not!

Yes there is healthy drama, like watching a movie, because you're in the passive role of the observer. Unhealthy drama is when you're drawn into the web of someone else's warped reality. You may have heard Tony Robbins talking about the 6 core needs. People who have a high need for significance and/or uncertainty quite often create drama. However drama is meeting this need in an unresourceful way. It definitely isn't sustainable and takes a lot of hard work!

Once you become aware of a pattern, you have the opportunity to change what's been happening. A chance to break the cycle. To move forward. To stretch. To continue forward on your journey of becoming all you were created to be. Knowing the pattern and doing nothing about it, doesn't give you any reason to whinge and complain. Yet so many people do! Change is simple, easy and can happen in an instant. For some reason though we've been conditioned to believe that change is painful, difficult and should be avoided at all costs.

So, I've now come up with 3 simple steps to diffuse drama in your life for once and for all, if you choose :)


1. Recognise when you're being drawn into drama
- learn to recognise the warning signs (the stories, the he said/she said)
- learn to listen but not necessarily give your opinion (most of the time the other person just wants to be heard)

2. Find something else to fulfill your need for significance/uncertainty in a resourceful way
- Do things that take you out of your comfort zone regularly (take up a new hobby, try a new sport etc)
- Validate others and their importance to you and your life
- Volunteer your time to an organisation that could use an extra hand

3. Hang out with like-minded people
- Find people who are on your wavelength, who are centred, grounded and are able to have meaningful conversations
- Learn to spend time on your own and to enjoy your own company

And I will leave you with this quote below: