Feeling Like a Square Peg in a Round Hole

It's been funny week. Funny in the sense of strange not the ha ha type. Actually, if  I am honest, this feeling has been hanging around for a while. There's a part of my identity that is still adjusting to life as a mother of two. And it's more than that. Once again, I am struggling to find my place in the world and that's where the feeling of uneasiness stems from.

I've come to the conclusion that in life you never really have it altogether. There's always something out of whack or slightly amiss. For me at the  moment, it's my connection to the outside world. I'm well aware that my identity changed when I became a mum for the first time. What I wasn't expecting that it would happen again. Although as I am writing this, it's all beginning to make sense and things are becoming clearer (the power of writing your thoughts down!).

You see the dynamics have changed yet again. We've gone from a family of 3 to a family of 4. I now have 2 gorgeous children dependent on me to love, nurture, educate, co-ordinate schedules, feed, clothe and shelter. Little Miss 5 has gone from being an only child, having both parents all to herself to now having to share us and quite often having to wait when she's seeking our attention.

Perhaps you're reading this and thinking "well what did you think was going to happen when you added another child to the family?". To be perfectly honest, I didn't put too much thought into it. I just thought that Little Mister would fit in and go with the flow. And for the most part, he does such a beautiful job of that. Half the time you wouldn't even know he was here.

Where I could have invested some time and thought was into how I would feel and cope as a parent of two children after being a parent to one child for almost 5 years. How would I cope with the feelings of guilt when the older child needs me, yet the younger one is attached to me for what seems like the umpteenth time that day? How would I feel having even less time for myself than I did before, yet my mind is constantly ticking away with thoughts and random ideas of things to write about, things to share with the world and things I can create to help other parents? How would my relationship with my significant other be impacted by having an extra family member, hence extra responsibility resulting in even less quality time together? The questions could continue, but I shall stop with these few.

Even if my time had been invested in pondering the answers to the questions, I don't think it would have eased the situation any. What has helped me this far has been my mindset and approach to what's been going on. Learning to be in flow, taking life moment by moment, recognising that "this too shall pass", seeking out advice from other parents who have more than one child have all helped.

Where the isolation has set in recently, is when I am with a group of mums and the conversation seems to constantly revolves around the latest achievements of our gorgeous cherubs. While it's great to be able to compare notes and seek advice for the challenges that crop up along the way, I quite often walk away feeling flat and depleted. (Part of this is an added bonus of being an introvert where being in large groups drains me of my energy and I need alone time to regroup and recharge).

Perhaps it's selfish to want a little something for me - a stimulating conversation, a discussion, posing questions and sifting through the possible answers, to talk about something more meaningful, that lights me up and ignites a fire in my belly. After all, the majority of the rest of my time is taken up focused on the little people in my life. Is it wrong to want a little something for me? Perhaps I am the misfit - the square peg so desperately wanting to drive itself into a round hole, to fit in and be accepted (yet I know it's okay to not be a cookie cutter version of me). Surely I am not on my own here though am I?

The Gift of Surprise

If you're friends with me on Facebook, you may have seen my post the other day about Miss 5 and the library. If you're not, here's a quick rundown.

Last week Little Mister and I were headed to the library for Baby Time. Coincidentally Miss 5's library books were due back and I told her that we would drop them back for her. She was disappointed that she had to go to kindy and couldn't come and pick new books for herself.

I asked her if I could surprise her by picking some books out for her to have when she got come from kindy. After a little convincing, she finally agreed that this would be good.

When she got home, she took her library bag off the bench and peeked inside it. Suddenly there were
 gasps and ohh's and ahh's and squeals of excitement as she pulled out each item to see what we'd picked out for her. The look of delight on her face was priceless. Never have I seen a reaction like this from her.It was so much better than any birthday or Christmas gift she'd ever received.

She excitedly returned my "surprise" the following day when she surprised me with taking the rubbish out. Bless her! Some days it really is the small things.

It got me thinking about how we often go out and spend money and often agonise over selecting a gift for someone when the most meaningful gifts I've given have been ones that haven't cost me money, but a small portion of someone's time.

With Christmas just around the corner I've got my thinking cap on this year as to how I can do things differently and give gifts of time to my loved ones. Over the years I've grown to hate the consumerism fest Christmas has come to be - the obligatory gift buying, not knowing what to get certain people, the crowds you have to battle to pick out your gifts; there's so much stress and pressure. And while I love to receive gifts, there's nothing worse than receiving something that you won't use.

So stay tuned, once I have gotten my ideas together of what I will do, I will post them. Perhaps you may want to join the "Doing Christmas Differently Bandwagon" this year or maybe you already do and I am slow to catch on! If you have any ideas or suggestions for me; please post them in the comments, I would love to hear them!

The Angry Mum

Since the arrival of Baby Number 2, the dynamics of my relationship with Little Miss 5 have changed dramatically. We are constantly at loggerheads with each other and most days it feels like she's the parent, not me. Often I find myself angry, frustrated, overwhelmed, frazzled and by the end of the day, my tank is completely depleted.

I'd say my style of parenting is fairly relaxed. I like to give her options to make her own choices and decisions. However, recently she has been quite defiant and doing her own thing, back chatting everything and not necessarily making good choices!

The other morning she chose her outfit, as she's done for a couple of years now. She came into my bathroom to see me in a denim jumpsuit that was obviously a couple of sizes too small. Just picture camel toe  and the world's worst-looking wedgy. I asked her to change into something else and said that that one belonged in the "too small pile". She said she wanted to wear it and that was that. So she did.

The next morning, she was up at the kitchen bench making her lunch for Kindy as she quite often does. She knocked her water bottle off the counter and it split when it hit the tiled. I floor. Well the waterworks well and truly flowed then. She sobbed uncontrollably about her most precious water bottle in the whole wide world and how she wanted to keep it just to look at it. Patience was not on my side as I told her it was an accident and promptly threw the broken bottle in the bin.

I was surprised later on in the day to receive an email from one of her teachers saying that Little Miss 5 had told them about the fight she'd had with Mum that morning. It was interesting to have the story relayed back to me. I realised then that to me it was just a water bottle, but to her it was one of her most worldly possessions.

Reading the email I also realised that anger had been building up inside of me. It wasn't about the water bottle. It was about the fact that I didn't feel in control as a parent. My little girl is growing up and wanting to do things to help Mum out and she's doing some pretty naughty things to get my attention as well. The tears started flowing. I felt helpless and didn't have the answers or the resources to solve this problem.

I've written before about the mayhem our evenings bring - the frustration, the tears and the tantrums, the-trying-to-get-her-into-bed-at-a-decent-time-and-failing-miserably. The water bottle incident was like the straw the broke the camel's back this week. There's nothing worse than conscious incompetence - where you know you suck at something!

As sad as I felt about my conscious incompetence, I knew I needed to seek help. A visit to the child health nurse to have Little Mister weighed and measured, eventuated into a meltdown over Little Miss 5. At the time I felt embarrassed, yet grateful there was someone in the community I could talk to. I needed some "how to's" to regain some control and direction for Little Miss 5.

And that's what I walked away with. A new strategy for getting through the nights when we're home alone. A strategy to give her some much-needed attention and Mum-time. A sense of peace knowing that this too will pass, that things will get better and easier and more cohesive, these things just take time and patience. A glimmer of hope that there's another way. That we're all out there doing the best we can with what we have. That asking for help is easier than I thought it was. That there is always someone out there who has trodden the path before who can offer tips, tricks, advice and strategies; for this I am grateful. xxx

If you find yourself feeling out of control, know who you can turn to and that there is a wealth of resources and help available. Parenting & motherhood is a learned thing. Your relationship with your child/children will benefit from you seeking out the answers :)