Breaking Up With My All or Nothing Mentality

This past week has been quite a turning point for me personally and professionally. Last week I wrote about having my shit together for the arrival of our baby. And yes physically speaking, I am prepared for his arrival. I have all the "things" needed to take care of him.

What I didn't realise was that my mental preparation wasn't quite where it needed to be. A conversation with a close friend and fellow coach woke me up to the fact that I was gripping rather tightly to an "all or nothing" mentality, after she rejected the invitation to my pity party (Do yourself a favour and find friends who can snap you out of your doom and gloom thinking, not join in with you!).

Somewhere along the lines I'd decided I could only be Mum or could only be a professional. And if I was Mum, it meant I had to do EVERYTHING on my own. I thought my business needed to get parked in the corner whilst I carried on being Mum of a newborn and an energetic 4 year old.

What a MASSIVE awakening to realise that I can do both.

For too long this "all or nothing" mentality has played the devil's advocate in my life. Not only was it affecting my current thinking; when I took a huge step back and took a bird's eye view, it was affecting almost EVERY aspect - my business, my health, my relationship, my parenting, my creativity, my wealth. I was placing so much pressure on myself.

When I say "all or nothing" what  I mean is I was either in there gung ho, pumped up with my heart's desire to achieve an outcome instantly. When I wasn't instantly gratified in pursuit of my feat it became nothing. I  stopped taking action.

The learning I've taken away from this is:

"how can I create consistency in the areas that are important to me right now?" 

Consistency is the key to unlock the doors that I had shut down on myself. Having the ability to take small bites of the pie regularly, rather than trying to shove the whole damn thing in my mouth in one go is the approach required.

Right now it's not about having it all, it's about creating a lifestyle that is sustainable and a fit for my family and I. It's not about turning up, leaving and taking a break at set times, working under pressure, meeting deadlines, working for someone else or having to jump because someone in a higher position told me to. I am me. I get to create my own way of doing things. I finally get it!

Acknowledging this has opened up so many possibilities. No longer am I thinking I can't have my business and a baby. Now I am thinking how can I keep my business ticking over while I am taking care of my baby.?

You all know that my passion is to help other mums adjust to motherhood. I can't just put a lid on that jar and shove it in the back of the pantry hoping I get to use it before its expiry date. My passion pulses through my veins just like my blood, it's there morning, noon and night, it excites me, it invigorates me and most of all it lights me up. I can't switch it on or off willy nilly, but I can let the flame continue to burn gently as I get through the first few months of being a Mum to two wonderful children.

The thing I find interesting, is when you are ready, the messages start to appear before you. My friend also passed on this article for me to read:
http://www.linkedin.com/today/post/article/20140423172238-6435-talented-women-please-do-not-quit?fb_action_ids=10151955477686580&fb_action_types=og.likes&fb_source=aggregation&fb_aggregation_id=288381481237582

It was like confirmation and the timing was impeccable. Do yourself a favour, grab a cuppa and allow 10 minutes to read it for yourself.

So how did I get to this point of epiphany and ideas exploding like fireworks in my mind? With the help of my friend, I was able to get my head out of my ass and stopped staring at the next 6 -9 months with gloom and doom; feeling all sorts of helpless and compiling my excuses list.

What she got me to do was take myself out to 5 years from now and take a look at what was happening for me in my business and my family. How did I want things to be? Who was I helping in my business? What was I doing during a normal day? Once I could see that, we stepped to 2 years from now and did the same thing and then lastly 6 months from now.

As we worked through, it became clear I could progress steadily towards my ultimate dream of establishing a perinatal wellness centre on the Capricorn Coast. A sancutary where mums can come to connect with other mums, a place where there is a midwife on hand to talk through any issues, a place that is serene and calming, a place that has yoga and meditation classes for mums, mothers groups and workshops and the possibilities continue to flow.

What hit me as well is that I don't need to wait a year or two years to bring this dream to fruition. I can start now. I can keep writing and sharing my message. I can record videos and write books and articles. I can enlist the help of other bloggers to guest post to give my readers something to read each week without there being pressure on me to have to write. I can embrace technology and begin to automate some aspects of my business. I can continue to grow and flourish by reading and educating myself. I can continue to coach and run workshops here and there. I can let the flame of my dream continue to burn. I can make a difference.

Preparing for the Impending Arrival of Our New Addition

The weeks have been steadily ticking over and all of a sudden, we've reached the 30 week mark. According to Miss 4, there are only 2 pages of the calendar left to go.

 I have no idea where that time has gone or how I got to being here!What I do know is that it's all systems go and my tummy has been steadily increasing in size and the intensity of movements felt grows by the day. If I didn't know any better I would think there's half a football team growing inside of me, but apparently there's only a sole player!

I feel pretty calm and relaxed about the journey this time. In some ways second time round is easier and yet more difficult. Having Miss 4 means I can't just crawl into bed when I feel like it, having eaten spaghetti on toast because that's all the strength I could muster in the gourmet meal department.

My back and hips have been giving me hell and for the last few weeks my ever-expanding belly has felt much larger than the first time. Yet this time I have a little girl who is excited beyond belief and ready to give a helping hand to her Mum organising baby brother things.


This time the rules have gone out the window. I am prepared and ready for any situation that may arise. Yes, I have purchased dummies, bottles, breast pump, formula, and all the other things that were on my old "not required because I will be the perfect Mum" list. We've been busy washing clothes and sorting out baby's room. I've had the best helper alongside of me and there have been times where I've been in trouble for doing things she's wanted to do.

The other week we'd taken the bassinet apart to wash all the bits and pieces and had miraculously managed to reassemble it to its former state. Upon putting it into the baby's room, I said to Miss 4 that this was for the baby and not a toy for her doll babies. I turned my back to do something and in the meantime she'd laid out a hat, a jacket and pants. When I asked her what she was doing she replied, "I'm just checking to see if he'll fit in here!".

She's so excited and cannot wait to meet her baby brother. I'm not sure how long that will last once he arrives and isn't going back into Mummy's tummy. She's constantly kissing my belly and talking to her brother, it's the sweetest thing. And yet part of me worries that that will all change. Of course things will change and will be different. As a family we have a whole lot of adjusting to do as we eagerly await the arrival of our newest member.

This time in my heart I know things will be different. I know that no matter what happens I have the strength and resilience to make it through. Even if I do fall in a heap, I know that's okay too. I know I don't have to put on a facade to show the world I am coping when I am not. I am forever grateful to have my daughter eager to lend a helping hand. She tells me I will be able to sleep and Dad will still be able to watch the football while she's taking care of the baby. I'm guessing I may need to master the art of sleeping with one eye open.

I feel we've been blessed as a family in so many ways. People often balk when they hear that there will be an almost 5-year gap between the two. What many don't realise is that just because you fell pregnant once, doesn't mean there are guarantees there will be future pregnancies or the difficulties experienced to conceive another. After the ectopic pregnancy, the odds definitely weren't in our favour.

No matter what happens from here on in, we'll make the most of what comes our way. We'll face the challenges as a family and share the laughs too, no doubt there will be plenty of both. Sending love to you and your family this week. Take a moment to appreciate what you have together. Perhaps it's time to introduce a new family ritual. Here are some of the things that have melded their way into our family:

* Family cuddles - a whole group hug with all of us, randomly
* Family day - usually on a Sunday where we spend some time together. It may be as simple as getting in the car and going for a drive
* Eating dinner at the table when we're all home together, usually we light a candle and talk about our big day

Remember - it's the littlest of things that create the greatest memories. xxx 

A Note to My Fellow Mums

Dear Fellow Mums

This note comes from my heart and I ask that we all be kind to one and other. After all, we're playing on the same team here.

We're all on a journey of our own. Our experiences are similar, yet unique. Please respect the fact while doing the same job, we all have a different approach; we find one that works best for us, one that gets us through the day, that brings peace to our home, that gets us a night's sleep so we can wake up and do it all again tomorrow. Yes, this approach may be different to yours, and that's okay. Nobody said we have to be the same.

When a Fellow Mum asks for advice in a public forum, please respond with respect. Asking for help publicly takes a lot of courage and guts for some of us. To make someone else feel less of a mother because they do things differently to you is a crime. Be respectful in your response.

Yes we are entitled to our own opinions, however there's a way to voice them without being overbearing. Unless you can offer support and advice in a way that empowers your Fellow Mums, please be kind enough to keep it to yourself.

I'd like to encourage you to support and champion Fellow Mums. We're all doing it tough. We all have things that we are challenged by, that leave us wanting to tear our hair out, that scare the pants off us, that leave us in tears of frustration. And yes, we all have some things that seem to come more naturally than others. So if you see a Fellow Mum struggling, offer her your support. Come from the heart, come form a place of love, your Fellow Mum will be forever grateful.

Please remember that motherhood is a learned thing and each child is different. This gig is tough enough without us tearing each other down with careless words and judgement.

If you are on the receiving end of advice, please remember the above-mentioned points. Just because something works for one mum, so you give it a try and it doesn't work for you, it doesn't make you any less of a mother. It just means that that's not a suitable way for you and your child/children. Try something else. It has no reflection on you and your mothering capabilities. None at all.

Unfortunately this mothering gig doesn't come with a one-size fits all manual that will solve all our qualms and queries. We are each other's best source of information, support and connection. Please keep these channels as open and honest as you can.

It's my desire to create a space for my Fellow Mums to feel comfortable asking questions and seeking advice in a non-judgmental way, where they are supported and encouraged. To build a community where we are free to be ourselves, to show our vulnerabilities, rather than attempting to live up to someone else's standards and expectations. And yes, be warned, I may stand on my soap box until I bring this vision to the land of reality.

Until Next Time

Take it easy, take a breath, relax and remember - "we're all battling our own mothering demons".

Love

A Fellow Mum

Are You Banging Your Head on a Brick Wall Unneccessarily?

I'm sure you've heard the old saying of "If at first you don't succeed, try, try, try again"? I know as a child  it was drilled into me. However there should be an added bit on the end, change one thing slightly the next time you try. Because you've also heard "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again" right? Talk about contradictions left, right and centre!!

This morning I had a little experience that's got my brain in overdrive and thinking deeply (just for something new and different!). I was on the computer attempting to create a group on Linked In for our local women's networking group. The task itself was simple and straightforward enough. I will admit that it's taken me about four visits to the website over the past week or so to figure out where to go in the first place to create said group. Normally I would have given up by now. However I knew it was possible and I knew it could be done. I just hadn't figured out how yet.

I kept trying and this morning I found the right button. Hallelujah! Side note - I consider myself fairly technologically savvy, so I wasn't ready to admit defeat on this one! Anyhow, I lost count of the number of attempts that it took me to upload the group picture and the hero picture.

There were times when I was ready to get frustrated and started to blame my equipment. So I took a deep breath and a step back for a moment. I had evidence that this could be done. There are a million and one other groups already on Linked In with fancy pictures and stuff. Obviously there was something I was missing. A step in the process was out of sync.

We're so accustomed to looking at external sources and factors as a reason to blame our lack of success when it comes to achievement. However, we must look within first. Machines and things are built specifically to do a task. The human element of operation is what usually hinders a successful outcome. So the next time you're ready to blame your equipment for your lack of success, take a deep breath and ask yourself  "what's one small thing I could change right now to achieve the outcome I am wanting here?".

This week I will leave you with these questions to ponder over and answer in your own time:

Do you give up before you've reached your goal and how is that serving you?

How often do you  look up from the challenge you're in to see who has gone before you and been successful at achieving what it is that you want to achieve?

What evidence do you look for to know that what you are wanting to do/achieve has been done before?

Who do you model for success?

Until next week.... stay awesome! Any thoughts, comments and feedback are most welcome!